Using Good Judgment Among Peers
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes: “I’m having trouble understanding
my 11 year old son. For the most part, he makes good decisions
and doesn’t get into much trouble. The problem is when he’s
with other kids. Bad ideas come to mind that he would never do
on his own but if friends are around, he acts on them. What’s
going on and how do I help him use good judgment when he’s
with peers?
Of all the factors posing a challenge to a child’s rational
decision making the presence of other children is among the most
potent. There are many unpredictable forces at work within the
context of children’s relationships. “Peer pressure”
is the popular expression to explain the manner in which peer
presence compels children to follow the bad examples of others,
but this term only scratches the surface of a complex web of peer
dynamics. The wish to gain admiration, demean another, retaliate
against a perceived injustice, compete on the “risk-taking
playing field,” or boldly violate parental rules, are some
of the hidden forces that may surface beyond parental control
but in full view of peers.
Here are some suggestions for approaching a child with a tendency
toward poor decision making in the presence of peers:
Be
prepared to hear and delve deeper than the excuses. Perhaps most
worrisome to parents is when a child commits one of these “peer-present”
infractions and then excuses their behavior. “It was her
idea... They did it, too” are familiar refrains that normally
trigger the inane parental question, “If they told you to
jump off a bridge, would you do it?” Consider replacing
that question with this one, “Let’s figure out what
was really going on that led you to make that bad decision.”
If your child offers a confused expression, ask them to tell you
all they can remember about the situation in order for you to
pursue whatever forces seemed to be operating in your child’s
mind. Try to step into your child’s shoes as you listen
to their recounting and ask leading questions such as, “Did
you feel like you wanted to prove something to them?”or
“Have you wanted to do that before but knew it was kind
of risky?”
Educate
them about how background feelings and perceptions can direct
behaviors. Children are often unaware that the way we feel about
and see others has a lot to do with how we behave in their presence.
Give examples from your own life to illustrate the different feelings
and views you would have if a variety of people came over for
dinner. Suggest that they may hold on to certain feelings and
ways of seeing other kids that pop out when those kids are around.
Illustrate this process by explaining how one kid might boast
about all their cool stuff and doubt others’ claims. This
can make other kids want to prove that they have great stuff,
too. If the “want to prove” feelings grow strong enough
a kid might end up bringing something to school that they know
doesn’t belong there. It can also lead the second kid to
feel like they must prove one thing or another when they are around
the first kid. Point out how this process is akin to the second
kid giving control over some of his decisions to the first kid.
Offer
“talking tools” to manage the power of peer dynamics.
One reason that kids succumb to these forces is the wish to “save
face.” But well-chosen words convey power. Lacking such
a response to a provocative peer or circumstance, kids give in
to impulse and throw caution to the winds. Parents can offer such
responses so that they can be “pulled out of the back pocket”
when the time comes. Here are several to propose to the child
who becomes inarticulate when the pressure builds: “This
is just the kind of situation that leads you on the wrong road...Be
my guest, but don’t wait for me to follow because you’re
on your own...I don’t have to prove anything to you that
I already know to be true...If you can’t see where this
is heading then I suggest you take some time to think it over...”
“Warm-up”
your child’s skills in advance of “potent peer”
encounters. Keep in mind that some kids cause your child’s
decision-making to lapse more than others. Simulate discussions
where you take the roll of the potent peer and attempt to persuade
or provoke your child into a poor judgment call. Coach them on
using a firm tone of voice, in-the-eye gaze, assertive posture,
and power talking tools. Consider videotaping the scenario if
they are willing so that they further improve upon their delivery.
