Coaching Freedom From Early Childhood Separation
Anxiety
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
mother writes: We’re having all kinds of trouble with our five
year old daughter. She won’t leave my side and continues to
obsess over my leaving the house or her having to go to school. I
feel trapped by her separation anxiety. Help!
Separation is one of the most pivotal, and potentially problematic,
developmental steps in early childhood.
While some young children proudly ascend the steps of growth, others
become terrified by the prospect. Worries about starting school, troubles
sleeping in their own bed, and startle responses when a parent leaves
the room, are common to the separation-challenged child. Parents often
feel captive by the child’s shadowing anxiety, held hostage
by demands to announce whereabouts, accommodate to rituals, and relinquish
adult needs.
If this stressful mixture of choking attachment and emotional meltdown
rings a familiar bell in your home, consider the following coaching
tips:
Consider precipitants but recognize that none may be present.
Acute triggering events are not necessary in the case of separation
anxiety. Some children are “wired” for disproportionate
reactions to life stage events due to the brooding apprehension and
unrealistic mental associations linked to separation events. They
speak and think extreme thoughts, such as “I’ll never
get to sleep…No one will talk to me…My teacher will hate
me… I’ll cry so much that I’ll stop breathing.”
Even though these statements combine fear and drama, parents should
take them seriously and not attempt to humor the child. Children will
become even more unhinged if parents display a lack of understanding
of how upset they feel.
Comfort them with words that reassure their worries and give them
expectation of relief.
Parents must first help children feel safe and anchored before beginning
to verbally address the challenge of separation: “I know how
hard it is for you to be without me. I don’t want you to feel
that way. I want you to feel safe but I know that your worries about
being alone get in the way. I want to help you get those worries out
of the way so you can feel safe even when spending time by yourself.”
Wait for the child to be ready to discuss this path so that they don’t
feel pushed. Once they express interest, reinforce their courage to
overcome their worries and live more freely.
Help children understand the problem and give them talking tools to
promote self-calming.
The
strong currents of anxiety and fear can be likened to a “worried
mind that takes control from the calm mind that usually makes life
feel safe.” Explain how even though being alone in
the home feels unsafe, it is just the worried mind tricking them into
feeling and thinking that way. Explain how one way to shrink the worried
mind is to practice calm thinking, such as “I’m safe playing
in my home, even if I’m alone.“ Offer other short calming
statements that target the cumbersome rituals the child has developed
to quell their anxiety, such as leaving lights on, closing certain
doors, prescribed room location of parent at bedtime, etc.
Show them how to visualize the steps to reach relief.
One way to help them see the light at the end of the tunnel is to
draw a staircase on a page, each step representing incrementally “bigger”
advancements toward their goal of freedom from worries. Under each
step write down brief phrases describing each step towards independence,
such as the smaller step of “spent two minutes playing in bedroom
by myself,” or the larger step of “fell asleep without
Mom in the room.” Have them color in each step as they go. Place
in the page in a conspicuous place so they track their progress and
feel motivated to take further independent steps.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools throughout the world. His book, "The Parent Coach:
A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society," is available
throught Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be
contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn
more, visit www.parentcoachcards.com
