Coaching Calmness In The Anxious Child
Dr. Steven A. Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes: I
am increasingly concerned about my child’s ability to cope with
every day stress. A lot of things in his life make him tense and become
preoccupied. This anxiety can happen suddenly or can build over the course
of a day, and sometimes make him avoid things he enjoys. I try to talk
him out of his worries but it seems to fall on deaf ears. What should
I do?
Anxiety is an inherent part of all children’s lives but some kids
have more difficulty with it due to it’s frequency, intensity, and
duration. It occurs more regularly and instead of acting like a fleeting
wave of tension, it settles in the mind and body like a heavy weight.
Those children more prone to anxiety tend to be easily effected by the
sudden twists and turns in life, as if “worry windows” have
suddenly opened in their minds and they can’t find a way to close
them. These openings seem to widen as the child entertains more worrisome
thoughts, further fueling feelings of upset, helplessness, and even victimization.
One key reason why some children are more vulnerable to anxiety is traceable
to their upbringing. In some cases, the dependency formed upon parents
for emotional soothing was not adequately internalized. This means that
they did not learn how to self-soothe by means of relaxing their bodies
and minds, and developing a track record of appropriate independent management
of life stressors. Other kids are born with temperaments that make them
especially sensitive and alarmed by the unexpected. Lastly, some children
have experienced an acutely anxious/traumatic event in their past that
continues to seek expression in their present life. Despite the underlying
reason for your child’s anxiety mismanagement, here are some coaching
strategies:
? Start a dialogue.
Begin by educating your child about the “laws of anxiety,”
such as everyone experiences it, it’s unfair to yourself to try
to prevent it by trying to live in a bubble, and the best solution is
to understand and learn how to manage it. Label some of the thoughts and
feelings that widen your “worry window.” Explain what opens
your window is different that what opens their window, but that people
can learn how to better
prepare when their worries get triggered.
Help them identify
their triggers and early warning signs. Spontaneity and unpredictability
act like fertilizer upon anxiety. Children can understand how these triggers
are often present in their lives, especially during the unstructured summer.
See if they can point out other triggers and the first signs that their
anxiety is sprouting again. Use a imaginary rating scale of 1-10 to label
their experience at various stages so that they can observe how it starts
and gathers strength from the onslaught of worries and ruminations.
Teach them how to
self-soothe through body relaxation, visualization, and self-talk. Alternately
tensing and releasing muscle groups helps reduce bodily tension. Visually
replaying relaxing scenes in one’s mind helps defeat the interference
of anxiety producing ones. Practicing “self-talk thinking skills”
further fine-tunes anxiety self-management. Weave all three tools together
by having your child take deep breaths, envisioning one of their anxiety
triggers, and repeating to themselves, “ I am not going to let fear
and anxiety control my reactions anymore. Avoiding things that other kids
enjoy because I’m afraid means less fun for me. I deserve fun and
freedom, too. I am going to use all my courage and determination to beat
my fear and anxiety when I feel it creeping up on me.”
Use circumstances
in life to predict an ensuing trigger. Each time a child successfully
copes with one of their triggers they become more empowered to confront
them again rather than rely upon avoidance. Point out when a worry window
might open and remind them of their tools and the confidence boost that
comes from beating their fears.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA. He has
developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program
called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools
around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New Approach To
Parenting In Today’s Society is available through Sopris West
(sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com
or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more
parenting columns, or review the press kit to The Parent Coach,
visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
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