Discussing Awkward Subjects
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes: Our middle school twins are polar opposites
in personality. One is outgoing, popular, and very interested in girls.
The other boy is more reserved and not the least bit concerned about
having a girlfriend. Right now I’m more worried about the popular
one. His moods are too dependent upon how his girlfriend treats him
on any particular day. His grades are suffering. His priorities are
changing. I don’t know what to do.
The door to boy-girl friendships opens at different times depending
upon many factors, especially personality. Once it opens the results
can vary between a growth in a child’s compassion and empathy
to an unhealthy absorption and dependency. Personality traits play
a large role in determining whether things tilt more to a positive
or negative direction. Some kids become quickly submerged under the
weight of intense and unfamiliar feelings, making it hard for them
to set boundaries, protect priorities, and assert themselves. Fearing
disappointment or rejection, and craving reassurance, the child may
implicitly allow their boy/girlfriend to wield too much control over
their brittle emotions. This situation leads to a host of self-defeating
behaviors at home and school. Wide mood swings, avoidance of responsibilities,
and angry withdrawal may signal that an unhealthy attachment is growing
between the sexes. Keep these coaching tips in mind when broaching
this sensitive subject with your child:
? Proceed cautiously and tread lightly since this is just the beginning.
One vital parenting goal is to make it as comfortable as possible
for your child to discuss awkward subjects with you. Your initial
approach to this subject can pave the way for success or failure in
establishing a safe and trusting dialogue about such issues. Avoid
lecturing, judging, or accusing as this will only lead to stilted,
monosyllabic answers. Offer nonthreatening observations such as “I
notice how upset you seem” or “Seems like you’re
changing your usual routine” rather than direct opinions about
their behavior. Remember that they are often very touchy about this
subject so don’t offer yourself up as a target of their frustration.
Gently express your concerns about the impact you’ve observed.
After building a safe dialogue praise them for opening up to you.
Emphasize how all of us need to step outside of our strong feelings
to reflect upon recent behaviors. By doing this we can mature into
more thinking, rather than reacting, people. New friendships with
boys or girls may effect them in ways they may not realize. One job
for parents is to make their kids more aware of how they are managing
changes in their lives, and the stress that comes with them. Assure
them that you are on their side, and want to help them balance the
many priorities in their life.
If you have a chance, educate rather than interrogate. If you sense
that they are receptive to talking, suggest to them that opposite
sex relationships will teach them a lot about the world of people.
Understanding emotions, tuning into others, and expressing feelings
are among the lifelong lessons. Suggest that the feelings between
people can grow very strong and even overwhelming at times. One way
to manage that intensity is to talk it out with a more experienced
and trusted person, like a parent. Once the issues begin to be discussed
the feelings can lessen and clearer perspectives can emerge.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
