When Friend Becomes Foe
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes, “Our son and daughter have trouble
holding on to friendships. Things start off fine but often lead
to trouble. It seems that the closer the friendship becomes the
more likely it will end due to one problem or another. It’s
one of those mysteries that my husband and I just don’t
understand and would like to help them overcome. Any ideas?”
Friendships in childhood hold such promise but may also suffer
from much fragility. Common interests and compatibility bond kids
together but can also opens them up for others to peer inside.
Sometimes this leads to secrets revealed, misplaced trust, and
a host of contradictory reactions. It’s easy for strong
feelings to get stirred up since friendship intensifies the meaning
behind interaction, raising the bar of expectations, and sets
the stage for disappointment and retribution.
Certain kids are more prone to the “hot and cold friendship”
pattern due to the high expectations they bring into the relationship.
If a child expects their friend will never share personal information
about them with anyone else, they are in for a rude awakening.
If a child expects their friend will always remember to include
them when making plans with others, disappointment awaits them.
When talking about a “best friend” these facets may
be further heightened by even more agenda. If your child seems
ill equipped to cope with the ups and downs of friendship consider
the following coaching tips:
There
are many developmental forces at work that parents can make their
kids aware of. The need to win approval, appear funny in front
of a larger group,
or hide a softer side of personality, may underlie why your child
comes home with complaints about a friend. Should you hear, “I
don’t like hanging out with him/her unless it’s just
the two of us,” suggest to them that kids often act differently
depending upon the circumstances. Explain what it means to “take
things personally,” i.e., reach a meaning in your mind that
the friend doesn’t like them anymore. Encourage them to
expect inconsistencies in their friend’s behavior depending
upon circumstances, and to tell themselves, “I may not like
this behavior but it doesn’t mean my friend doesn’t
like me.”
Consider
whether your child’s expectations may be unrealistic. Some
kids
measure themselves and their friends according to a strict code
of loyalty and allegiance. If they behave that way it seems reasonable
to them to expect others to follow suit. If they utter absolutes
such as, “I would never have done that” or “I
would always do that,” high expectations may be responsible.
Discuss the importance of making room for their friends’
mistakes or to overlook things that they might not have done.
Offer examples of how adults have disappointed or frustrated you
but the friendships endured. Explain how having a realistic perspective
means considering all the good things a friendship brings to life
especially when bad things happen.
Repairing
the tear in a friendship may require good verbal assertive skills.
When things go wrong in a friendship some kids can’t get
“over the hump” simply by reframing their expectations
or talking it over with a parent. The best remedy is to bring
the matter up with their friend. This presents a significant hurdle
for some kids who are
anxious or inhibited about discussing such issues. Suggest they
might have trouble in the beginning but will probably feel much
better after talking to their friend. Give them the exact words
to use and practice together in order for them to develop confidence
in their verbal assertive skills.This type of friendship repair
allows their friend to bring up issues that have bothered them,
so it’s important for them to be prepared.
Consider
the possibility that you may have unwittingly contributed to their
“friendship maintenance” problems. Without realizing
potential damage, parents may reveal sensitive information about
their child or the family to other parents, who then let it slip
out to their kids, and so on from there. Also, if children have
been exposed to strong parental judgments about others they may
carry this into their relationships. Another contribution is when
parents create rules for their children’s friendships that
are based upon wanting to “save face” among other
parents rather than allowing their child the appropriate freedom
to make choices. If any of these are operating, consider re-evaluating.
