How Homelife Breeds Bullying
Dr. Steven Richfield
A parent writes: It seems to me that kids are
bullying and taunting more these days than I remember when I was young.
Why is that? Is there something that parents are overlooking that
is planting the seeds for this widespread problem?
The roots of bullying behaviors dig deep into the fabric
of our culture, setting the stage for a host of responses our children
learn from an early age. Intolerance and discrimination are two long-standing
cultivators of bullying, especially when kids are confronted by obvious
social or racial differences between themselves and others. When these
distinctions lessen, as in many suburban communities, some children
refer to other areas to polarize and foster antagonism. Areas such
as athletics, academics, appearance, popularity, habits, attire and
a myriad of others become the grist for the “judgment mill”
that quickly separates the “haves” from the “have-nots.”
Certain kids call attention to these distinctions and reinforce them
by inflicting pain upon those whom they deem lacking.
Parents may mistakenly believe that their child is
not prone to such social intolerance. This is because many pathways
to bullying fall outside of parental awareness even though they are
apparent everyday at home:
Intense sibling conflict leaves children ripe for enacting similar
social conflicts. The callous and mean-spirited behaviors fueled by
negative feelings towards one’s sibling(s) seeks expression
within the peer group. This bullying pathway typically takes the form
of an intense, yet groundless, dislike for another child. It appears
as if the bullying child “needs” an enemy to despise and
look down upon, as if trying to discharge pent up feelings and “even”
some kind of score. Parents with children embroiled in hostile rivalries
are urged to closely examine how much negativity is being repeated
in their kids’ peer relationships. Carefully listening to how
your children talk about their peers is one way to determine if rivalry
has sown the seeds for bullying.
Feelings of low self-worth, anger, and sadness create a combustible
combination when confronted by the presence of happy, well-adjusted
peers. Imagine the raw frustration when angry and unhappy kids must
endure the daily happiness of their peers. Bullies emerge with a “misery
loves company” agenda, capitalizing upon random opportunities
to deflate a popular kid, further humiliate an unpopular one, or taunt
a committed teacher. Children who follow this bullying pathway are
often critical and moody, fixated upon what is wrong with people and
events around them. If your child fits this description it behooves
you to offer them a nonjudgmental ear and understanding voice. Gently
ask if their unhappiness ever makes them want to hurt others. Suggest
that this is understandable, yet not acceptable. Brainstorm ways to
help them feel better quickly.
Exposure to judgmental, narrow-minded views breeds judgmental, narrow-minded
attitudes. Some parents overlook how their own biases and other “perceptual
filters” are absorbed by their children. Just because children
may not always “listen” to our requests and instructions
doesn’t mean they aren’t intently listening to our views
of other kids, parents, teachers, neighbors, and so on. These views
may then be adopted to a more extreme degree, since kids often don’t
understand the context within which they are expressed. Signs of this
bullying pathway surface in the form of sarcastic and inappropriate
comments that sound more like an adult’s inner thoughts than
a child’s perceptions. Other adults and children may be especially
struck by the “adult nature” of the child’s statements
and quietly suspect that these views have been heard at home. If this
circumstance exists at home it is critical to discuss it in an open
and nondefensive manner, taking responsibility for unfortunate “social
programming” that has already aired. Try to do a better job
at shielding children from bias and innuendo, and someday they will
appreciate the freedom to accept others as they are, not as parents
measure them.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A
New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available
through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted
at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about
Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the
press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
