Help
Your ADHD Child Become Bully-Resistant
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
The challenge of raising children with ADHD often requires
helping them contend with one of today’s pervasive social problems:
bullying. Several factors place ADHD children at greater
risk for being unsuspecting targets. The tendency to behave in an
attention-seeking and/or immature fashion, coupled with decreased
social awareness of the impact of their actions, leaves ADHD children
more susceptible to bullying and less equipped for appropriate responses.
This vulnerability makes it critical for parents to be proactive in
coaching ADHD children in ways to become “bully-wise.”
The first step is for parents to become educated about bullying
in today’s world. Bullying takes the form of verbal
teasing and name-calling, excluding or spreading ugly rumors, or actual
physical contact, such as pushing, tripping, or other aggression,
such as shooting rubber bands at another child. Children who hurt
their peers often don’t fit the stereotyped profile associated
with bullies in the past. Instead of being the unhappy, isolated figure
with low self-esteem, they may appear as the friendly, popular and
good student. Perhaps most daunting is that today’s bully can
be very adept at concealing the mistreatment of others, thereby leaving
intact their reputation as a “nice kid.” These circumstances
may confuse and confound your ADHD child, further contributing to
their difficulties. Therefore, parents must explain these realities
to children in order to build greater awareness and start a dialogue
about bullying.
All children need to safely confide in parents and teachers if bullying
is taking place, but ADHD children may be slow to do so. This
may be due to the perception that their “ADHD behavior”
warrants mistreatment or that reporting it will make it worse. Parents
can help dispel this belief by explaining that nothing legitimizes
bullying, and that reporting it to others in authority is the first
step in making it stop. Explain that schools have strategies to correct
the problem. Another reason that ADHD kids may not reveal concerns
about bullying is rooted in their tendency to put things out of their
mind (“out of sight – out of mind”). Gentle probing
about the social and behavior dynamics in the classroom can help them
remember specific incidents that may signal to parents that bullying
is present. Sometimes the ADHD child is unaware that they are being
targeted unless the parent conducts such inquiries. Periodic contact
with the teacher about your child’s social position in the classroom
will provide insight into the issues and specific classmates to privately
discuss with your child.
Key to this dialogue is a sensitive examination of the ADHD-related
factors that may draw them into the bully “firing zone.”
While not excusing the bully’s actions, explain to
your child that certain behaviors draw negative attention and increase
the potential for bullying. Impulsive behavior is a prime example;
talking too much, silliness or clowning around at inopportune times,
or blurting out random or ill-chosen remarks can elicit a bully’s
ire. Since some ADHD children do not inhibit discussion of embarrassing
topics, such as private family matters or personal fears, parents
should regularly emphasize the importance of protecting privacy. Social
life is another area where ADHD may set children up for unexpected
trouble. Over-eagerness to gain acceptance or a tendency to violate
social boundaries, such as in answering for others or touching another‘s
property, can precipitate bullying. Excited and reckless reactions
to similar behavior in peers can quickly backfire if your ADHD child
does not “read” the unwritten rules within the group.
These and other out-of-sync behaviors, if present in your ADHD child,
are important to review, since sometimes the child may perceive them
to be nothing more than friendly actions.
If you discover that your child is the target of bullying, quick,
comforting and decisive action is necessary.
Validate their feelings and perceptions, and support their right to
feel safe in school or the community. Promise them that you will do
whatever is necessary to restore their safety. Report the bullying
to the teacher and school principal, and provide as much detail as
possible as to the exact words and actions attributed to the bully.
If your child is aware of peers who have witnessed the mistreatment,
supply those names. Request that your child not be questioned in the
presence of the bully. This can be particularly intimidating to ADHD
children, but a procedure sometimes employed by schools. Should you
suspect that ADHD is related the bullying, clarify the contribution.
Ask the principal to call the bully’s parents but be prepared
to follow-up with a call on your own. Suggest to the parents that
you are calling as a gesture of good will since you would want to
be similarly informed if they were calling the school to complain
about your child. Parents of bullies have the most pointed impact
upon bullying behavior, but only if we can stand up and let them know
about it.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools throughout the world. His book, "The Parent Coach:
A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society," is available
throught Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be
contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn
more, visit www.parentcoachcards.com
