Help Your Child Become Bully-Wise
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
What advice do you have about bullying? Our
sixth grader is a smart and pleasant
kid who usually enjoys school. His teachers describe him as a capable
and enthusiastic learner who gets along well with his peers. Unfortunately,
they don’t hear the taunts and see the bullying that takes place
behind the scenes at recess, within the cafeteria, or on the bus.
In fact, the boys responsible for the bullying also have a reputation
as “nice kids.” What do we do?
Bullying is a serious and pervasive problem in today’s schools.
It may take the form of verbal teasing and name-calling or actual
physical contact, such as pushing, tripping, or shooting rubberbands
at one’s chosen target. One only has to think back to the catastrophic
effects that such behavior has led to in schools such as Columbine
to appreciate the damage it inflicts upon the inner fabric of children.
Yet, even if a child target of bullying would never retaliate, he
or she can may carry emotional wounds that can affect their future
decision-making, self-image, and socialization.
Today’s children who hurt their peers often don’t fit
the stereotyped profile associated with bullies. Instead of being
the unhappy, isolated figure with poor self-esteem, they may appear
as the friendly, popular, and good student. Also, the bully may mistreat
only one child, rather than display a bullying demeanor towards the
peer group. And perhaps most daunting is that today’s bully
has become very adept at concealing his/her mistreatment of their
chosen target, thereby leaving intact their reputation as a “nice
kid.” These variables make it especially important for children
confronted by bullies to feel safe to confide in parents and teachers,
and to be empowered by actions taken on their behalf. Here are some
suggestions to help your child become “bully-wise:”
Don't minimize the significance of what is happening
to them. Children may experience much pressure not to “tattle”
due to the associated negative connotations.
Parents are wise to validate their children’s feelings and perceptions,
rather than simply tell them to “deal with it.” Emphasize
that their rights to feel safe in school are being violated, and promise
them that you will take action to correct the situation.
Help your child consider if their behavior draws them
into the bully “firing zone.” While not excusing the bully,
gently suggest to your child that they may be drawing negative attention
to themselves. Bullies tend to target children who possess certain
“red flags.” These include poor hygiene, clothing that
is immature for their age, attention-seeking and/or regressive behaviors,
and self-control problems. If your child displays any of these red
flag behaviors, offer to help them upgrade. Explain that even after
the bullying stops, others in their peer group will make negative
decisions about them based upon these behaviors.
Report the bullying to the teacher and school principal.
Certainly the school must be notified of the events reported by your
child. Provide as much detail as possible as to the exact words and
actions attributed to the bully. Request that your child not be questioned
in the presence of the bully. Ask the principal to call the bully’s
parents. Ask your child to listen to your conversation with the principal
so that they can model this type of self-assertion.
Lastly, but most critically, call the bully’s
parents. Do not allow the solution to be the dominion of the school.
Allow the bully’s parents to hear about your child’s struggles
in a respectful and tactful manner. Suggest to them that you are calling
as a gesture of good will, since you would want to be similarly informed
if they were calling the school to complain about your child. Parents
of bullies have the most pointed impact upon bullying behavior, but
only if we can stand up and let them know about it.
Dr. Steven
Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA. He has
developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program
called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and
schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted
at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about
Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the
press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
