WHY IS
COACHING IMPORTANT?
Parenting Pointers
Dr. Steven Richfield
Childhood
follows the example set by the computer: it keeps being reinvented.
Advancements are continuously introduced that raise standards and improve
quality but these ultimately lead to more complex problems in function.
Today’s world offers children the richest opportunities for intellectual
growth while undervaluing the need for informed and involved parenting.
Children turn to popular peers, media icons, and commercial trends as
their behavior guides. Deficits in social and emotional skills are the
result. The sensational news stories of child violence are just the
tip of the iceberg. Examples of emotional immaturity, poor judgment
calls, and other social handicaps are in evidence in the home, school,
mall, and most places kids are found.
The
typical unevenness between children’s intellect and their social/emotional
functioning is traceable to technological, cultural, familial, and economic
factors, among others. The guardians of childhood, parents and teachers
in particular, point the finger of blame at one another, reflecting
mutual feelings of powerlessness.There is no doubt that teachers can
make a pivotal impact on the non-academic growth of their students,
but the parent’s role is most critical. Without the appropriate guidance
of parents, children are in a far more vulnerable position to contend
with the pressures of our advanced world. The involved guidance of parents
and teachers can make the difference between a child caving in to a
provocative peer’s pressure and retrieving the skills to retain self-control
and clear thinking when faced with a difficult situation.
Coaching
offers children an internal safety net of social and emotional skills
to help them cope with the circumstances of their lives. Children’s
lives are filled with compelling encounters that can quickly escalate
to trouble. Common encounters include conflict with peers, requests
by authority figures, and the presence of tempting stimuli, such as
drugs, risky opportunities, or the annoying behavior of others. These
moments in time can serve as triggering events, activating a maladaptive
reaction in the child, leading to actions and statements with lasting
negative consequences. Conversely, these moments may simply pass without
much significance if a child possesses the skills for self-management
of potential triggers. In this case, there are no external consequences,
no shattered self-esteem, and no accompanying threat to others. In fact,
proper management of trying circumstances can lead to enhanced self-esteem
and peer admiration.
Emotional
self-management results from developing a repertoire of skills that
children mentally retrieve when circumstances demand. This requires
preparation, practice and above all, the coaching of caring and informed
adults. One of the first steps is for adults to help individual children
identify their own personal triggers that often lead to troubling reactions.
It can be helpful to speak with children about typical “triggers to
trouble”or give them a list of examples to help them reflect upon their
behaviors. Coaches might pick items from the following series when talking
to individuals or to groups of children:
CHECK
OFF YOUR TRIGGERS TO TROUBLE
___Finding
out that I won’t be able to do something I have really been looking
forward to
___Seeing
other kids having fun doing something that is against the rules
___Feeling
very annoyed by the behavior of another kid
___Not
wanting to do something I have to do
___Being
unfairly accused of something I didn’t do
___Losing
at a game or not performing as well at something as I think I should
___Feeling
jealous about something involving another kid
___Not
being able to accept the mistakes of others
___Feeling
very bossed around by someone else
___Finding
out that someone used something of mine without my permission
___Feeling
pushed aside by a friend
___Having
to switch gears from doing something fun to doing something serious
In
addition to these examples, parents can add others to the list or invite
children to offer their own personal triggers. It’s okay to gently suggest
certain items to your child, but be ready to withdraw an offer if your
child rejects the idea. The goal is not to get your child to agree with
you, but to continue to build upon his/her ability to reflect upon their
behavior. Unfortunately, many parents defeat their own purpose during
this fragile point in the communication process by imposing judgments
of where children go wrong. Parents must also not be too quick to suggest
solutions or quick fixes to a child. This sends the message that you
don’t understand how hard it is for children to change behavior patterns.
Impulsive behaviors, such as hasty decisions and rash actions, are caused,
in part, by children’s lack of experience with rational thinking within
emotionally charged situations. Yet, by discussing triggers you are
beginning to help them carve out a rational thinking path that can be
accessed when the stakes are high.
The
importance of coaching your child in how to think rationally can not
be overestimated. Children’s thoughts are tilted in the direction of
wishes, memories, current and upcoming events, and other assorted news
of the day. Yet, the world is filled with many examples of people’s
successes and failures when rational thinking is put to the test. Many
of these examples can be found in your children’s own life or peer group,
while others can be referenced within your own childhood experiences.
Make use of these real life instances of how thinking skills solve difficult
situations or prevent things from getting worse.
One
example comes from a mother who spent time preparing her daughter, Josie,
for the triggers she would confront during a week of overnight camp.
She knew of Josie’s tendency to come on too strong with new girls, and
suspected that she might be teased for her annoying behavior. Despite
her mother’s coaching, Josie found herself being teased. But rather
than escalating the problem with more inappropriate behavior, she remembered
her mother’s coaching advice: when you take responsibility for your
behavior you demonstrate maturity, or the opposite of what you are being
teased for. Josie’s step toward maturity took the form of a letter she
left for several kids who had made fun of her the night before:
Dear
Jenny, Alison, Chris and people who slept in the courtyard:
I
heard all the things that you said about me last night, and I’m sorry
I act the way I do. I guess your friendship with me wasn’t meant to
work out. I really wanted to be your friend and I tried. But I kinda
got a bit excited. That’s why I acted the way I did. I’m sorrry. Your
used to be friend, Josie
After
Josie left this note for her used to be friends, they wrote the following
to her: Dear Josie: We are really sorry about the stuff we said about
you. It was wrong. We got carried away. Josie, thank you for telling
us and letting us realize what we did wrong. Sorry. You have every reason
to be mad at us and we understand. Sorry, Brian, Richard, Kris, David,
Allison, Charlene, and Jenny
Josie
responded with the following note of hope: Dear Outdoor People: I accept
the apology and thanks for saying what you meant. I really appreciate
it! Are we friends again? Your Friend? Josie
The
final note answered Josie’s question: Dear Josie: Thanks for taking
our apology in. Get some sleep, please. Your Friends, The Outdoor People
This
reconciliation would never have taken place if Josie had been unable
to use her thinking skills to heal her hurt feelings. The simple, but
often missing, gesture of taking responsibility for her error, made
all the difference to those children who had mocked her the night before.
Without her mother’s astute pre-camp coaching advice, Josie would have
fallen into the trap of blaming the other for making her feel so bad.
Her mother was very aware that one of her daughter’s key triggers to
trouble were those circumstances where she meets a large number of new
kids and wants desperately to feel accepted within their ranks. Fortunately
for Josie, the preparation paid off, and she became even more aware
of how her style of approaching new social situations needed to be changed.
Josie’s
apt management of the circumstances bolstered her social skills and
left a lasting feeling of accomplishment. Just as important, it increased
her awareness into the ways other children view her behavior. The coaching
lesson, Don’t push kids away by trying too hard to make friends, was
reinforced by this real life example. Her mother helped her link this
lesson with other circumstances where things didn’t turn out as well.
Before Josie faces similar circumstances, such as at the start of school,
she can pull out the notes that had been passed back and forth with
the outdoor people, and prepare herself to use her improved skills.
In time, Josie will be able to remove meeting new people from her triggers
to trouble list.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA. He
has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at
director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent
Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit
to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
