Coaching The Confused College Student
Parents write:
Our college freshman son recently informed us that he will not be returning
to school next year. Unbeknownst to us, his grades have been
slipping since the start of the academic year. We know how we feel:
angry. But we’re not sure what to do. Any suggestions?
Legions of parents await the day when children are “launched”
into the world of college. As mixed feelings settle into parental stomachs,
freshman embark on a path that leads to a world of possibilities. While
most navigate their way with success and deftly follow their ambitions,
a significant number become “grounded” by confusion and
despair. This leaves parents awash with worry and looking for their
own “survival seminar.”
If this sounds familiar,
consider these coaching tips:
College plans often need adjustment, some more than others.
It’s one thing to hear that your child intends to change
their major, it’s quite another to learn they have failed out
and are returning home. Parents must resist riding the wave of disappointment
in their child and reframe the meaning of this event. Students need
time to “get their head together” and don’t respond
well to interrogation and accusation. Try to view this experience as
broadly as possible, reserving judgment and preserving the relationship.
Offer supportive advice such as the following: “Everybody has
times in their lives when the unexpected happens. Try to look at this
as a temporary setback that takes time to figure out.”
Await the opportunity to patiently discuss circumstances at
college and review future options. Initially act more like
a sounding board than an advice giver. The objective is to review mistakes,
deliberate over past decisions, and gently appraise the effort and prioritization
placed into coursework. Don’t add pressure to an already pressured
situation by insisting upon a premature plan. Suggest a “cushion
period” of at least a few months where decision making is suspended
and open ended discussion is the rule of thumb.Consider hidden factors
that may be at the root of the problem. Don’t be misled by your
child’s blanket reassurance that “everything will be fine.“
Without the structure and parental oversight of high school, some freshman
are unable to discipline themselves due to a climate of temptation and/or
the presence of undiagnosed learning disabilities or ADHD.
Other possible interferences
include roommate troubles, social isolation, ego wounds, and fallout
from a failed relationship. Probe these possibilities through gentle
questioning about how they spend their time, new friendships, course
troubles, and the manner in which they organize and lead their academic,
social, and athletic life at college.
Be receptive to outside help in planning for the future.
Just as families utilize college advisers in high school, they should
especially consider seeking help in the midst of a “college crash.”
Even if the student is unwilling, parents can gain insight and direction
from meeting with a psychologist qualified to evaluate the problems
and offer recommendations. Strongly encourage student participation
for maximum benefit. Students may find that confidential consultation
is best suited for full disclosure of all the factors that impinged
upon academic performance and college life.
