The Parent Coach: Coaching The Controlling Child
Dr. Steven
Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes, "One of our family's big challenges
is the ongoing debate between my husband and I over how strict vs.
how lenient we should be. Our kids complain that we are too strict,
my husband complains that I am too flexible, and I complain that he
is too rigid. This creates too much stress. How can we find a middle
ground?"
Of all the necessary ingredients that parents add to the mixture called
childrearing, rules and limits are among the most vital. Complicating
this task, though, is the fact that excessive limits leads to the
boiling over of resentment and defiance, but inadequate limits interfere
with adaptation to rules and the willpower needed to resist unhealthy
pressures. It's not uncommon for mothers and fathers to be on opposite
sides of the "firmness fence," each convinced that the other
is doing it wrong. This leads to inconsistencies, mixed messages about
rules, and the undermining of each other's authority. Such circumstances
can breed dishonesty, deceit and manipulation within children, some
of the very behaviors that proper limits are designed to discourage
and prevent. Therefore, it is particularly important that parents
are united in their approach to this issue. Here are some suggestions
for finding the elusive middle ground:
Bear in mind that upbringing plays a pivotal role in this clash of
philosophies. The limits and punishments handed down by our parents
creates a template for what we refer to as parents. Some of us defend
our parenting decisions with the statement, "I turned out o'kay,"
as if this indicates that our kids will be just as happy and well
adjusted. To borrow a phrase from the investing world, past results
do not guarantee future performance. Today's complex culture has led
to an entirely different array of forces and frustrations that parents
must help equip their kids to contend with. Simply doing what was
done to us risks overlooking many opportunities to use limits, coaching,
and consequences to build stronger character strengths in our kids.
One way to act upon this knowledge is to consider which past parenting
lessons are helpful in today's world and which ones need discarding.
Take heed of your spouse's opinions since to ignore them leads to
troubling results for your children. Children who are raised with
two different sets of limits and consequences have more difficulty
adapting to the outside world. Rather than internalizing rules that
become self-governing, they seek out fulfillment of their desires
by deception, avoidance, and self-justification. This underscores
what's at stake if parents don't resolve their differences. If you
can't totally agree with your spouse's position consider what you
"can live with" as the next best choice. The benefits of
unified rules and consequences, even if you are somewhat unhappy with
them, is preferred to the arbitrariness of shifting standards and
attempts to "make up" for the perceived excesses of one's
spouse.
Remember that parenting often leads us directly to our hot spots.
This is due to the expectations and emotions that we wrap tightly
around our children's behavior. When they act out inappropriately,
we are at risk for losing control over our reacting sides. This can
be a major issue when couples don't agree about rules and discipline.
One parent is responding emotionally to the child's misbehavior; the
other parent attempts to shield the child from this fall-out. The
over-emotional parent is wise to consider where their triggers are
in order to prepare a more thoughtful response. The other parent would
be wise to use verbal diplomacy when discssing this loaded issue.
Consider what mental blinders you might bring into your parenting
role. These blinders get in the way of our seeing our child accurately
or responding empathically. Sometimes it's due to behaviors in our
child that remind us of parts of ourselves, siblings, or parents that
we have associated with negative or hurtful memories. Sometimes the
blinders are due to aspects in our spouse which we find undesireable
and find evidence of in our child. If this is the case, it's likely
contributing to an overly harsh or lenient disciplinary style. Try
to have as open and honest a discussion with your spouse as you possibly
can, recognize where these blinders may be emanating from, and pledge
to find ways to shed them.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
