Coaching
Independence To The Overly Dependent Child
A
mother writes, “We are past the half way point in the school
year, yet my fourth grade daughter still has difficulty separating
from me in the mornings, dealing with new situations, and calming
herself down after an upset. Sometimes she needs to leave her classroom
just to settle down. This creates all sorts of social problems for
her as well. Any suggestions?
It is not uncommon for young children, especially with the start of
the school year, to have some trouble adjusting to the new routine.
Normally, tears and protests subside within a few weeks, as the child
plants herself comfortably within a gradually familiar environment.
Her sense of calm and independence grows as she reacquaints herself
with friends and finds pride and interest in the expanding world of
school. Those children who aren’t emotionally prepared for this
independent growth show visible signs. They may cling to secure “anchors,”
such as a parent, friend, or teacher, and have great difficulty adjusting
to a substitute or the unpleasantness of circumstances at school.
Sometimes it seems that they experience each new day as an assault
on their need for sameness, as if their emotional equilibrium is calibrated
to only one environmental blend.
Children who fit this profile may be seen as needy, unpredictable,
and demanding;. Such traits do not endear them to their peer group.
While there are many paths that lead children to this dependent state,
here are some coaching strategies:
? Recognize what you may be doing to perpetuate the cycle. Often times,
this problem is related to the child’s over dependence upon
caregivers to perform the functions of regulating emotional arousal.
Instead of adapting to new situations and strong feeling states by
self-monitoring and self-soothing, children have retreated to the
willing arms of parents or parent surrogates. Continued reinforcement
of this pattern robs the child of important opportunities to progress
from emotional dependency to self-sufficiency. Consider whether your
child’s dependency may be unconsciously serving some needs of
your own.
? Dependency is just as enslaving for the child. Don’t make
the mistake of assuming that your child enjoys her dependency problems.
While some of her behavior may appear overly dramatic or manipulative,
it all springs from the same source. As children age, development
dictates that they take pleasure in their new privileges and independence.
If your child is not following this pattern, speak with her about
what its like for her to see her peers managing their lives so differently
and how trapped she feels by her clinginess. Assume that she is torn
between the wish for and fear of separation and growth.
? Once you have acknowledged her dilemma, appeal to her wish for growth.
Explain to her that she can be taught the skills of self monitoring
and self soothing but it works best for her to take an active part
in the plan. Like learning to ride a bike without training wheels,
at first it can seem scary and woobly but she will gradually feel
steadier and more balanced. Ask her to pick one place where she would
like to start “riding on her own,” such as making phone
calls, accepting invitations for sleepovers, or handling her least
favorite part of the school day with poise and confidence.
? Demonstrate certainty that she can learn how to strengthen her “calm
mind” and relax her body. Explain that her thoughts send instructions
about how she should feel and react to change and discomfort. If she
sends negative or extreme messages, such as “I can’t stand
this!” her feelings and tension make it seem like she can’t
manage on her own. Suggest calming and empowering messages she can
rehearse in her mind, such as “Change is not so bad” and
“I can tolerate this for now.” Follow these up with exercises
to promote bodily relaxation, such as soothing visual imagery and
alternating between tensing and releasing muscle groups.
? The ultimate goal is for the child to learn the skills of self-soothing
so that she can cope with what is reasonably expected at her age.
Self-soothing refers to the child’s capacity to maintain emotional
equilibrium in the face of unwanted change, unexpected disappointment,
and other minor adversities. Children lacking in these skills benefit
from parents who take a proactive role in encouraging independence
and supplying informed guidance to support their progress.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
