Developing A
Trusting Dialogue
Dr. Steven Richfield
A
parent writes: I can't understand my children. They won't talk to
me about anything important. Because they don't open up to me, I find
out from their friends' parents, or even from their friends. I know
they have worries and problems but they don't tell my husband and
I about them. Don’t they trust us?
The extent to which children disclose their inner thoughts and feelings
is a reflection of both their unique identities and the extent to
which the environment makes it safe for them to do so. Just like adults,
many children withhold and seal over their inner world of worries,
fears, and concerns because of their temperaments. They become so
accustomed to leaving their parents out of the loop of “what’s
really going on” that it doesn’t even occur to them that
they might open up their gates to share. Others have learned from
the past that when parents “know too much” they may use
that information in ways that may embarrass them, or create other
“problems.” For example, they worry that their parents
will share private information about them with other adults, such
as their friends’ parents or teachers, or that they will be
punished for revealing something. Another reason for closed mouth
kids stems from a kind of picking and probing on the part of parents.
Some of us are far too quick to pick up on what we perceive as problems,
and then probe for more information to support our discovery. Kids
experience this as interrogation; not an atmosphere likely to make
them feel safe to share. Here are some coaching tips to make for a
smoother communication pathway with your children:
?
Take stock of what is not working. Are you the type that leaps too
quickly into the interrogation mode? Is your child still holding a
grievance about a past betrayal of their confidence? Do you try to
directly bypass your child’s “temperamental gates”
by asking very direct questions that your child has never really answered
before, and probably won’t now? By recognizing how your efforts
may be interfering with safe communication you can take steps to correct
the situation. Ask your spouse, or perhaps a relative or family friend,
for feedback about what they observe between you and your child. Be
prepared to accept their observations without defending yourself so
that they can feel safe to be honest.
?
Turn knowledge about your communication pitfalls into humility. Many
of us are quick to jump on our kids when they make mistakes but may
not humbly admit to our own. Make a point to tell your kids about
your errors. Keep in mind that I am not talking about the ones you
made as a kid, but the ones you made today, perhaps in your role as
a parent. Admitting to problems can leave children feeling vulnerable
and exposed but parents who do likewise can help their kids see this
is a natural part of being human. Emphasize that sharing such stories
helps people let go of some of the hurt and embarrassment that stays
inside when you hold it in. Demonstrate sharing within the family
by opening up new areas for discussion, perhaps about your own doubts
or insecurities that your children have not seen you reveal in the
past. Emphasize how this is a way of getting input from others on
how to solve problems or prevent them from happening again.
The importance of being quiet can not be overstated. Although we hold
the best intentions, sometimes our biggest mistake is opening up our
mouths. The most innocent sounding comment from a parent can sound
like a judgment or criticism to a sensitive child or adolescent. On
occasion our children only want to tell us about their lives and are
not looking for us to “fix” anything or draw conclusions.
Some of us fall into the trap of trying so hard to prevent our own
fears from coming true that our kids withhold any information that
might be picked up by our “worry radar.” Be careful not
to let your worries about future outcomes make you sound like you
have absolutely no confidence in your child’s ability to steer
themselves in the right directions in life.
Don’t wait too long to build a deeper communication bond. The
older the child the harder it is to make substantive changes in your
relationship with him or her. Try to make inroads before adolescence
hits, but if he or she is already there, your ability to be a nonjudgmental
and humble listener can turn things around. Even though the gates
will often be closed, don’t stop knocking, and don’t give
up. You never know when your child’s decision to volunteer information
may even save their life.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A
New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available
through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted
at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about
Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the
press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
