Relationship
Repair With The Chronically Disrespectful Child
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
Parents write:
We’ve really had it with our kids. They show respect to all the
other adults in their lives except us! We just don’t get it. How
can we make any positive changes when they tell us to get lost?
Nothing raises a parent's ire and urge to admonish more than a child's
frequent disrespectful behavior towards our authority. The intense feelings
evoked can be likened to an emotional alarm carrying the message, "Teach
this kid a lesson. Put them in their place." Although many parents
typically pursue this punitive path, some unintended lessons follow. Instead
of transforming into progeny who respectfully follow and defer to our
wishes and wisdom, often times the opposite outcome occurs. Verbal challenges,
nonverbal protests, and even outright profanity are heightened in our
homes. Incredibly, these same children may receive praise from other adults
outside the family for being so "polite and respectful." Such
a puzzling predicament sends many parents shaking their heads with bewilderment.
If you count yourself among the legion of parents with respect-challenged
kids who reserve respect for the adults who don't clothe, feed, shelter
and love them, here are some coaching tips:
Consider the message that your child is sending you. As much as
we prefer to push their disrespectful words out of our mind, use the problem
as a window into what needs repair in the relationship. Perhaps
they are responding to what they perceive as your overly-critical words,
intrusive questioning, judgmental attitudes, high expectations, or harsh
consequences for their mistakes or misbehaviors. Is it possible that they
perceive you as showing little respect for their wishes or autonomy, while
adults on the outside receive their respect because interaction is not
embedded with parental agenda?
Transcend
the dead end parent ego trap of withholding fair discussion as a way of
getting your child to change their ways. Parents who withdraw
from disrespectful children, and rely on the silent treatment, obtain
no insight and achieve little lasting improvement in the relationship.
It simply protects their ego from further wounding. A better approach
is to initiate honest discussion with the following, "Your disrespect
ells me that you're feeling disrespected. I know you're not the only one
doing something wrong in this relationship. I may have more power but
that doesn't mean that I'm always using it wisely. I'm ready to listen
to your point of view." Listen carefully to what your child volunteers
and don't forfeit the opportunity for better communication by defending,
deflecting, blaming, or excusing yourself as the accusations are leveled
against you.
Once parental
humility opens a door to discussion, offer commonsense communication choices
to replace the disrespectful ones. Keep in mind that kids who
often disrespect parents may have other deeper issues triggering their
behaviors. These include stinging jealousy of a sibling, frequent and
false misinterpretations of parental intent, over sensitivity to constructive
criticism, anger management deficits, or other troubles. If this is the
case, parents can fashion alternative replies for them to use instead
of their standard, "Get out of my damn face!" Parents can offer,
" A better way to say it would be, 'Can you give me a chance to do
this without the reminders?' or "That sounded very critical - can
you try to say it in a more helpful way?"
Composure
is key to turning things around. As parents start to demonstrate measured
responses to a child's disrespect it may become clearer that the child
is not simply mirroring parental behavior. If so, kids can be
coached in developing self-control rituals each time they feel their familiar
frustration triggers. Point out how you have witnessed them do it out
of the house, describing how they may avert their gaze, take a deep breath
or summon the willpower to extinguish a reaction. Ask them to practice
at home.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at
director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent
Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit to
The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
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