Coaching Advice For Divorcing
Parents
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes: After
years of trying to work out our differences my husband and I are going
to divorce. Our three kids, ages 6, 11, and 15, have responded very differently
to the news but all have urged us to keep the family together. Still the
friction and fighting has created such an unhealthy environment that I’m
convinced it’s a necessary evil. What are your suggestions?
There’s no question that divorce is a jarring experience for all
children, no matter their age. Many child-based factors help determine
their post-divorce adjustment: quality of relationship with each parent,
degree of satisfaction within their life outside the family, amount of
personality resilience, presence and persistence of sibling bonds, and
many others. While some degree of pain and destabilization is bound to
occur in virtually every child who endures divorce, parents can take steps
to insulate their children from the harsh outcomes that befall many divided
families.
It will come as no surprise that the single most important factor effecting
children’s adjustment is the capacity of parents to function as
cooperating and communicating members of a parenting team. Unfortunately,
the stress of ending one’s marriage does not set the stage for such
teamwork. Bitterness, blame, and betrayal tend to dominate the hearts
and minds of divorcing parents, while children suffer in the crossfire.
Therefore, it is crucial for parents to pave the way for a divorce that
prioritizes children’s needs, not adult recriminations. Here’s
how:
If possible, develop a parenting plan before you end the marriage. A parenting
plan should address issues such as where and when will the children spend
time with either parent, “special day” (birthdays, holidays,
Mothers/Fathers day, etc.) arrangements, and agreements about exceptions,
special circumstances, telephone contact, transfer of possessions between
households, and other matters unique to each family. Write down your individual
proposals and check to see how much overlap exists to mimimize the need
for negotiation. Even though it may be impossible to find agreement on
many matters document those areas you both do agree on.
Keep foremost in mind the dangers of badmouthing your spouse. Understandably,
most divorcing adults harbor many negative feelings and perceptions towards
each other. The parenting role doesn’t ask the impossible by telling
you to just press delete. It does assume that you both will rise above
your resentment when with your kids and not jeopardize their present and
future functioning by verbally assaulting each other’s character.
The selfish satisfaction of recruiting kids to be on your “side”
of the blame game is ultimately outweighed by the negative impact upon
your children. These impacts include but are not limited to emotional
withdrawal from the badmouthing parent, depression, self-esteem injury,
acting out of anger and revenge, academic and peer problems, and future
conflicts within opposite sex relationships, especially marriage.
righteous need to drive home one's failed agenda each time a child expresses
some hardship in the aftermath. Lower grades, trouble sleeping, behavior
problems, crying spells, and many others can serve as the back drop
for one or both parents to recount why the other was wrong to insist upon
one routine or another.
Evaluate children's reactions from the standpoint of severity, duration,
and pervasiveness. In other words: How bad is it? How long does it last?
How much does it spread into school, friendships, activities, etc? Most
reactions are manageable, temporary, and isolated. If not, seek guidance
from a qualified professional.
Be prepared for changes and challenges to your customary parenting role.
Children are not the only ones who learn to adapt to divorce. Fathers
may find that their free time is drastically curtailed when with the kids
and that suddenly they must step into roles (homework helper, confidante,
etc.) previously reserved for the ex-wife. Mothers may be unnerved to
hear children trying to undermine their decisions with baiting comments
such as "Dad would let us do it" or "That's okay, I'll
get Dad to buy it for me." Don't be afraid to openly acknowledge
that such circumstances and comments are part of what all families go
through when dividing into two. Suggest to the children that it's better
to talk about these changes than to use them to get their way.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at
director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent
Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit to
The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
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