Helping
Children Learn From Extended Family Conflict
Parents write: With the holiday season upon us, it brings to mind
some of the issues surrounding our extended family relationships.
Due to past history, some relationships are very strained, and in
some cases, nonexistent. Our children find it hard to understand why
the adults can't fix these problems. We're not sure how much to tell
them.
Parents
are often confused and conflicted when we must confront the reality
of our own dysfunctional family-of-origin legacies. Issues long embedded
in our relationships with siblings, parents, or other extended family
members interfere with the freedom to enjoy gatherings. When our children’s
lives are impacted by these lingering wounds, it tugs at the heart
and mind. Despite the sense of paralysis that many adults experience,
certain actions and explanations can help children understand the
lessons to be learned.
Here are some coaching tips that can turn an unfortunate family drama
into a platform for improved relationship skills within our children:
Silence
serves the adult, never the child. Some parents conveniently use the
misguided notion that children are too young to hear answers to tough
questions. Instead of opening the door to critical lessons
on relationships, parents forbid discussion. Secrecy leads to curiosity,
misinterpretation and speculation. These plant the seeds of distrust
of and distance from parents. Resist the urge to protect your own
wounds. Children and adults benefit from talking through their pain,
and parent-child relationships are strengthened as a result.
Let them learn from your mistakes, not be shielded from them.
Be open and humble when revealing your role in the conflict.
Don't let blaming overshadow discussion and bias your children’s
views. Kids are best served when parents present a balanced, factual,
and tailored account of the events leading up to the family turmoil.
Delete unnecessary details that may agitate emotions and complicate
understanding. Explain how feelings stemming from these incidents
and issues have solidified into barriers between people who once lived
as a loving family.
Emphasize how love is not enough to solve difficult family
problems. Lingering issues between siblings are a common source of
family cutoffs. Years of heated resentment, stoked by the
inequities of adulthood, leave relationships in ruins. This provides
a sorrowful backdrop for kids who learn the penalties for those who
act out their childhood wounds and woes in adulthood. Highlight the
missing ingredients that could have led people to a better outcome;
self-control, reflection, apology, promise keeping, perspective taking,
improved communication, third party help, etc.
Remember the truism that actions speak louder than words.
Although talking to kids offers some relief from their angst, consider
more direct involvement with the family members in question. Sometimes
relationship impasses eventually respond to yet another positive gesture
or apologetic overture. Tell your children about your efforts so that
they can see that you haven't given up. Stress how holding grudges
only reinforces problems. Continued attempts to repair relationship
tears is not only worthwhile, but also a way of renewing hopes and
positive memories.
Sensitize kids to the troubles in their lives that may lead
them to repeat errors of the older generation. As events
in your immediate family, such as sibling disputes, mirror themes
from the past, gently point possible long term consequences. Enforce
the need for empathy, apologies, and restitution, if necessary. The
best way to ensure that your children don’t step into the shoes
of past generations is to point out times when their footsteps echo
eerie reminders of your past.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly
self-control/social skills building program called Parent Coaching
Cards. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting
In Today’s Society is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com
or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com
or 610-238-4450
