Articles

Coaching Kids Who Take Fantasy Too Far

Dr. Steven Richfield

www.parentcoachcards.com

Parents write: Our daughter spends too much time in her fantasy books, games and cards. What can we do to help her?

One of the gifts of childhood is the ability to immerse oneself within the world of fantasy. Whether it is a book, movie, cartoon, or novelty collectors card, these materials provide endless fascination, and in some cases, obsessive preoccupation. While most children can mentally unplug from these interests, others are susceptible to a type of fantasy absorption that creates social retreat, academic decline, and emotional strife.

Parents of “fantasy addicts” observe their children spending countless hours playing internet-based fantasy games, voraciously reading and rereading fantasy books, and discussing their passion as if it is a real entity. If your child is closing in on this description, consider these coaching tips to disengage them from the grips of fantasy:

Excessive preoccupation with fantasy often hides other troubles. One of the first questions for parents to ask themselves is, “What is my child avoiding by spending so much time within fantasy?” Possible answers include peers, school work, family issues, or self–esteem problems. Typically, one or more of these factors is a source of pain that is pushed out of awareness during the retreat into fantasy. It can be likened to “closing the blinds” within the mind, numbing feelings attached to real life troubles.

After careful assessment of the source, sensitively approach your child with your observations and concerns. Anticipate much resistance and rationalization when bringing this matter up for discussion. Many kids consider fantasy the only avenue for them to have fun and to relax. The notion that it is a problem will be adamantly opposed. Avoid negative labels such as “unhealthy” and speak to how fantasy seems to be their way to either escape or exchange. Explain that many people use escape to get away from pressures or exchange one thing they are good at for something they feel they are not very good at.

Follow their lead when determining what lurks behind their preoccupation. A door to discussion opens at this point, and be careful not to have it shut. Some kids reveal their social frustrations; others discuss their academic angst. Give them time for discharge and provide reassurance. Don’t directly confront their certainty that nothing can help them do better. “I understand that you can’t imagine things improving but change is always possible. I am here to help you develop confidence in your abilities. Let’s talk about ways to do so,” offers hope and comfort.

Offer a plan to help them cope. If social inhibition/isolation is the primary cause for the escape into fantasy explain what options are available. School-based friendship groups, community-based youth organizations, self-help books, and therapist-run social skills groups are possible choices. If avoidance of academic worries is present, discuss how tutoring or opening up to more parent assistance can
help them regain confidence. When family or emotional issues or are the heart of the problem, reassure them that talking will lead to ways to improve the situation.

Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.