The Parent Coach: Helping Your Child Fit In Socially
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes, “With the start of school around the
corner, my thoughts turn to the social challenges my son faces among
his peers. He has a great deal of trouble fitting into the group.
Other kids are annoyed by his tendencies to talk too much and demonstrate
his knowledge. This has been going on for years despite my warnings
that he should become more of an observer. He’s got one more
year before high school. How do I coach him on becoming more socially
savvy?”
Unlike academic skills, social skills are normally not taught in any
formal way to children. Most of it takes place through observational
learning, parent guidance, and intuition. Some kids develop a social
repertoire that helps them start off conversations,
observe cues in their surroundings, deepen friendships, and navigate
themselves within a wide range of encounters. Other children don’t
seem to possess an inherent awareness of their social environment,
sometimes due to the more dominant need to educate or debate with
others in social situations.
Coaching a child in need of improved social skills does not follow
the “one size fits all” formula. It requires sensitivity
to age, temperament, and specific limitations. Some children need
more help with inhibiting their spontaneous behaviors while others
must build greater confidence in asserting themselves. Here are some
general guidelines that offer starting points for social skills coaching:
Speak to the child about the benefits of blending in rather than standing
out. Blending means behaving in a way that doesn’t attract negative
attention. Blending involves observing the circumstances and adjusting
one’s behavior so as to fit within them. Many conversational
behaviors help or hinder blending, such as tone of voice, volume of
speech, questioning, interpersonal distance, and staying on topic.
In order to help your child become a better blender, use everyday
situations to highlight where certain skills are needed. It also helps
to propose hypothetical situations where the child is asked to distinguish
between good and bad blending.
Introduce a social skills vocabulary to guide your child’s efforts.
Since socializa-
tion is amorphous to most kids, labels and metaphors can help them
visualize the skills and goals. One format that I have found helpful
is the “Rules Of The Road.” This asks kids to imagine
their social world as a road filled with clues that help them determine
what directions to give to oneself. Clues may appear in the form of
facial expressions, body posture, gestures, and a myriad of other
nuances in the settings they find themselves.
Explain how their eyes are the best judge of the clues around them,
and challenge them to
list the available clues in those situations where you have been together.
Emphasize the importance of tuning in to the people in their lives.
This means not interrupting others, not assuming others want to hear
them talk a lot, and not bringing up something totally different from
what’s being discussed. Staying tuned in means asking questions,
mentioning things that people have told them before, and showing their
interest by looking in the eyes of others.
Point out how their conversational skills are one of the most important
measures that others judge them by. This will effect their ability
to make and keep friends, the possibility that they will be the target
of teasing, and the image that others carry about them. Explain how
during conversations with peers, their first thought of what to say
is not necessarily the best response. Suggest that they periodically
ask themselves in their mind, “What’s a good blending
thing to say right now?”
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
