The Parent Coach: Dealing With Teens’
Desire For Freedom
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes, “I have a twelve year old girl who thinks
she is going on twenty-one. She wants more freedom as far as going places
with her friends as a group. I am questioning how much freedom do you
allow a twelve year old to have? It’s always a constant struggle
between us lately.”
Parents are frequently contending with the delicate balance that must
be struck between allowing a child appropriate freedom and limiting that
freedom due to concerns over safety, circumstances and overall maturity.
Today’s fast paced culture is especially tempting to pre-adolescents
since they want so much to experience the excitement of independence.
Although it takes years for a child to mature into responsible management
of their freedoms, a twelve year old often wants to jump ahead since she
is at the threshold
of the big “t” word: becoming a teenager. Because these situations
come up frequently it’s helpful to have standards to guide our decision
making. The following are a series of questions that I suggest all parents
ask themselves when negotiating the murky waters of setting limits vs.
supporting independence:
How does my child handle her present freedoms? Before granting new ones,
we are wise to consider the current degree of freedom and good judgment
that has been exercised. Consider how well your child displays responsibility
when baby-sitting, completing chores, following through on commitments,
and so on. One way to measure readiness is to offer “test drives”
where you step back and allow her a degree of freedom within a situation.
Review how well she does and pay careful attention to how receptive she
is to your feedback. Explain that one test of readiness is how well she
accepts advice about responsibility.
How susceptible is my child to group consensus? Although many parents
think their child is safer in a group, they overlook the fact that children
are also more prone to follow the group consensus, for better or for worse.
The pressure to conform to peer wishes remains a powerful motivator on
behavior. Therefore, it’s important to consider how well your child
can resist peer pressure when it conflicts with parental values and prohibitions.
Talk with her about the times when she could have asserted herself to
determine if this is a role she shrinks from or embraces. If it’s
the former, coach her in appropriate ways to follow her conscience without
sacrificing her friendships.
How well do my child and I know the children in the “group?”
One of the realities of our times is the covert nature of adolescent friendship.
Aspects of personality and unsavory behaviors are covered up when adults
are watching, but may emerge with
surprising intensity when the group is together. Speak to your child about
the possibility that she might not know her friends as well as she thinks.
Explain that she can make choices about who she “hangs out”
with, and that some kids are probably not good choices to go to the mall
with but are okay to invite over. Arrange parties and other functions
at your house so that you can make judgments about the group and then
compare your observations with those of your daughter.
How well have I built a bond of trust, honesty, and understanding with
my child? If something goes wrong while children are enjoying their freedom,
parents expect their child will tell them about it. Similarly, parents
hope that their children will turn to them for help if they find themselves
in a serious problem situation. Unfortunately, sometimes children do just
the opposite. If this has been the case with your child, speak with her
about the reasons why. Suggest that she hasn’t trusted you with
the truth or has not given you credit for being able to understand how
she looks at things. Show her that you can be open-minded to hear her
point of view. Stress that with greater freedom comes the potential for
greater problems that require parental help and notification.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at
director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent
Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit to
The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
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