Letting Go Allows Children To Grow
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
Although
the parenting journey is typically paved with good intentions, the
roadmap can be hampered by ambiguity, uncertainty and parents’
own issues. These forces dig deep into decision-making, leaving impact
for better, or perhaps, for worse. Unsure of direction, some parents
demand extreme loyalty to their wishes, prohibit acceptable forms
of self-expression, or reject children’s independence when conflicts
arise with parental values. Not wanting to yield to children’s
need for autonomy, parents who “over steer” place stunting
controls upon friendships, activities, routines, and other areas.
Children’s
identity formation requires parents gradually relieve the pressure
to strictly conform and widen the parameters for autonomous functioning.
This is critical for future psychological health. Consider these points
when calibrating your parenting compass:
Refrain from “directional parenting” when possible.
Although it’s tempting to rigidly map out your child’s
social and activity life for both personal and practical reasons,
the results can be problematic from the standpoint of psychological
development. Later in life, these children are prone to follow the
will of others or have problems with personal commitments and self-awareness.
While it is critical to supply guidance, childhood is a time to safely
discover themselves. They need freedom to determine their likes, dislikes,
and aspirations, apart from what parents want for them.
Loving guidance also means knowing when to let them make their
own decisions. Even young children need to feel free to express
and be granted social choices and after school activity preferences,
and to decide on some school matters. Knowing parents recognize when
to withhold their opinion and give children the latitude to make acceptable
mistakes that contain valuable life lessons. Alternately, the feelings
of satisfaction and self-determination that comes from following their
own growing discretion advances character development.
Take inventory of personal issues or they may act as blinders. Some
adults have ego wounds or attachment needs that motivate their parenting
decisions.
For example, rather than suffer the embarrassment of their child not
wearing the latest clothing or engaging in socially sanctioned activities,
they don’t allow children’s input and make decisions for
them. Parents may also speak for their children to ensure that they
don’t utter the “wrong” response. Some parents justify
decisions to curtail separation or independence because the child
is “not old enough” when it is the parent that is unprepared
for these steps toward emotional self-sufficiency.
Recognize the importance of changing standards and larger goals as
children age. It
is critically important for parents to lower the bar in some areas
while raising the bar of expectations in others. For example, earlier
requirements for an orderly room give way to rules for schoolwork,
safety, and openness. Letting go of parental pet peeves provides room
for them to self-navigate and contend with the consequences of their
actions or inaction. By limiting reminders and rescuing we allow life
experience to teach longstanding lessons.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools throughout the world. His book, "The Parent Coach:
A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society," is available
through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted
at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more, visit
www.parentcoachcards.com
