Guidance
For Siblings Of Difficult Children
A
parent writes: What advice do you have for siblings of children with
emotional and social problems? Our younger daughter alternates between
fear, sorrow, and embarrassment in her responses to her older sister.
Our older daughter’s moody, unpredictable nature makes it hard
to trust that she won’t explode without warning. How can we
help our child handle having such a difficult sister?
Siblings of volatile children tread a thin line between friend and
enemy in the minds of their brothers and sisters. These relationships
ride an uneasy tide of intermittent emotional storms as siblings witness
outbursts that rattle their own foundations. Siblings can also serve
as targets of rage, blame and provocation. Therefore, it’s not
uncommon for the “well child” to join the ranks of the
symptomatic, with anxiety, sleeplessness, and extreme inhibition among
some of the ill effects.
Parents tend to devote such a disproportionate amount of time and
attention to the high maintenance child that siblings may feel slighted
, or even worse, eventually follow in the demanding footsteps of their
brothers or sisters. While the goal of providing a relatively smooth
family life is unrealistic when one child regularly disturbs the family
peace, feelings of safety and security can be enhanced. Consider the
following suggestions to help raise children without deep sibling-based
scars:
Explanations provide some relief from fear and anxiety. Parents may
overlook the need to speak to the other children about the extreme
behaviors of the volatile child. Information can be shared in order
to provide context, lessen guilt and resentment, and preserve the
sibling bonds as much as possible. These explanations should be appropriate
to the age and cognitive levels of the other children, and should
neither condone nor condemn the inappropriate behaviors. Explanations
are best offered in a one-to-one setting, using a commonsense format
that doesn’t stigmatize the offending child. For example, parents
can refer to self-control or mood swings by explaining how some people
are born with more or less ability to use their thinking side to control
their reacting side. When outbursts occur seemingly without warning,
parents can explain how reacting side triggers are at work. If siblings
feel responsible, parents can assure them that although they might
have a role the reactions triggered are far more excessive than is
fair and reasonable. Such discussions are also opportunities to discuss
compassion, forgiveness, and the accepting what is not under our control.
Coach strategies they can use to increase their sense of safety. Younger
siblings, in particular, are especially in need of tools to take shelter
when exposed to storms of emotion. One way is to guide them in creating
their own “trouble bubble” that represents a pretend mental
place to distract themselves from the conflict and chaos going on
around them. Stress how their “picture mind” (visual imagery)
and favorite activities can help them create a bubble of protection.
Suggest that they decide what they want to place within their bubble
and encourage them to “enter” when trouble begins. Older
siblings often need to be coached in the skill of knowing when to
back off from trying to aid their distressed brother or sister. Unfortunately,
the intention to help or calm their sibling down can easily be viewed
as a provocation or put down by the more emotional child. Point out
how good intentions can quickly backfire and why it’s usually
wiser to allow parents to handle the job of “putting out fires.”
Discourage and preempt inappropriate modeling on the part of siblings.
Parents often worry that other children, and particularly younger
ones, will “learn the wrong lessons” from the troubled
child. This can be diminished by teaching younger siblings about the
powerful effects of observational learning. Explain how by watching
certain behaviors they can become stored in the mind like computers
store files. Those files can “open” with bad behaviors
when similar circumstances happen. Ensure that the storage process
takes place along with input from parents. This input should emphasize
the unhappy and self-defeating consequences of the inappropriate behaviors,
and also refer to the negative outcome certain actions have upon friendships.
Encourage questions, comments, and above all, make this private dialogue
part of your ongoing relationship with siblings. These sensitive issues
can not be handled in a “once and done” discussion.
Occasionally probe the thoughts of your other children, but be prepared
that you may not like everything you hear. Older children may be especially
critical of your handling of the difficult child. Do not allow your
ego wounds to send the message that you can’t handle listening
to their opinions. Remember that siblings observe you trying to soothe
the reactions of their brother or sister, so be prepared to give them
the benefit of an open mind. Suggest that you understand their point
of view (this doesn’t mean you necessarily agree) and will give
it consideration. Should they wish to discuss individual incidents,
it’s best to allow it. This may be their way of trying to take
an objective stance so that they don’t fall victim to modeling
or symptoms born out of stress.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
