The Parent Coach: Taming The Horrors Of Homework
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes: With the start of school upon us my thoughts
turn to the horrors of homework. These feelings might seem misplaced
but afternoons with my son typically include blood curdling screams
and tortured expressions. I wish there was some way we could avoid
all the drawn out drama and despair surrounding an event that he is
usually able to complete once the “show” stops and the
work begins. Any suggestions?
Today’s system of education places ample burden upon parents
to ensure that students are organized, material is understood, and
extensive homework is completed. However, children don’t often
warmly embrace parents when they step into the role of homework warden.
Rather than exhibit the compliance shown at school children may unleash
their “real” feelings about schoolwork at home, ranging
from mild annoyance to extreme frustration and protest. As parents
attempt to “help,” children may resist, and the interaction
soon resembles a tug of war.
Schoolwork at home requires that children sacrifice free time, resist
temptations, discipline oneself, tolerate frustration and pursue long
term goals. These rigorous demands may also expose a variety of personality
traits, including heightened sensitivity to criticism, procrastination,
academic anxiety, and overconfidence. Parents may find the following
suggestions helpful when approaching the hurdles of homework:
Recognize what is at stake. In the minds of many students performance
in school is closely connected to self-esteem. Those children with
vulnerable self-esteem tend to associate high grades or quick understanding
with intelligence. They may set themselves up for emotional trouble
by assuming that they are stupid if it takes them more time to study
or if they need extra help in grasping something. Parents can explain
how intelligence is a collection of many skills that are called upon
in different degrees depending upon what they are learning. Point
out how quickly they pick up certain material but may lag behind in
other areas. Explain how the differences between what is “easy”
and what is “hard” is reflective of their areas of strength
and weakness.
Offer strategies to insulate their self-esteem from school-based difficulties.
Guide your child in writing a brief self-talk script serving as a
reminder of their strengths and achievements. These two or three sentences
can be posted on a notecard at their homework desk. Suggest that they
read it immediately before they begin the really hard schoolwork.
If they’re not inclined to do so, go ahead and use snapshots
and words to make a card for them. Also, suggest they measure their
“feelings temperature” during the homework period such
that they don’t allow themselves to rise beyond the point of
no return. Short cool down periods can be assisted by encouraging
them to review their coaching card.
Encourage them to keep the positive end point in mind. Kids tend to
get trapped in tunnel vision when approaching schoolwork. They may
envision themselves sitting for endless hours or anticipate failure
or poor grades. They can’t see a positive end in sight. Parents
can provide “light” by explaining the concept of reversal
of fortune. Point out how so many times the outcomes are much more
positive than they consider at first. Emphasize how all the emotion
they churn up by getting stuck in “tunnel thinking” robs
them of the ability to just get to work, and reach their destination
in a reasonable amount of time. Use a real life example to highlight
how they once created such upset for themselves, but the end result
was just the reverse of what they feared.
Teach strategies for improved learning. Some parents are reluctant
to step into the teacher’s role at home, but if your child is
amenable, step right in! A study shortcut, memory aid, or template
to help them further develop as a writer can be an invaluable aid
to their school success. These strategies should not make them dependent
but more capable, independent learners. The goal is to help feel like
more empowered students.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
