Helping The Impulsive Child
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes,
“I’m becoming increasingly worried about our twelve year
old son’s problems with impulsivity. I don’t think he
would ever hurt anyone on purpose but he’s very big and strong
for his age, and he has ADHD. He can sound, and even act, very threatening
at times. What should I do about it?”
Childhood impulsivity appears in decisions, actions, and statements.
It can be compared to a chemical accelerant that speeds up reactions
to events. It is stored up and lives in a dormant form until something
in the outside environment strikes. This can be thought as the precipitant
or trigger. Once the precipitant arrives on the scene, there may be
breakthrough in the form of aggressive actions, such as throwing a
shoe, or hostile comments, such as belittling a family member. In
the midst of such a breakthrough there is little room for the voice
of reason to be heard.
Impulsivity narrows a child’s perceptions, making it difficult
for them to see the “big picture.” It acts as a blindfold
with a tiny hole in it. So much is blocked out except for the small
space afforded by the hole. One can think of that small space as the
strong feelings that block out everything else.When I explain this
concept to kids, I ask them to remember a time when they felt so angry
that they “couldn’t see” how their behavior was
going to lead to consequences. I also emphasize the triggers and causes
to such “blindfold behaviors,” such as a critical teacher,
refusal of their request by a parent, or the annoyance of a younger
sibling. In these cases, wounded pride and difficulty tolerating frustration
are the causes. This is an important distinction because kids would
rather see the trigger as the cause, and therefore, blame the teacher,
parent, or sibling, i.e. “It’s the teacher’s fault.
If she didn’t say that about my report, I wouldn’t have
told her to shut up.”
Consider these coaching tips when approaching a child with impulsivity
problems:
? Avoid placing yourself in a power struggle with an impulsive child.
Remember that impulsivity is like energy waiting for a catalyst (kind
of like a landmine)- don’t make yourself the catalyst! Approach
in a nonpunitive, nonthreatening, and nonadversarial manner. Try not
to get into an “either/or” situation where you issue a
request and immediately follow it up with the threat of a consequence.
Don’t get lulled into the belief that the harsher you sound
the more they will comply; often times, it’s just the opposite.
Parents get stuck defending angry and arbitrary positions, such as
“You either sit down and listen to me or you’re grounded
for the week.!”
???Give them room for healthy impulse discharge when they need it.
One of the ways that kids burn off their impulsivity is through physical
activity, listening to music, playing video games, walking out of
the house when you are trying to have a conversation with them, and
so on. Sometimes this can prevent a meltdown and preserve a channel
of communication once they return. Try not to interfere with their
access to these routes especially when you pick up signs of imminent
impulse breakthrough.
?. The underlying issues are one of the keys to helping them control
their impulsivity. As their world becomes more demanding, children
experience more pressure and potential for impulsivity. Many times
impulse breakthrough follows a distinct pattern.Take note of these
patterns and gently bring it to their attention. Suggest that they
can take several deep breaths, give themselves time to cool down,
or use relaxation exercises when they feel their impulses building.
? Listen careful and offer a little advice:
Most kids don’t have patience for long and involved explanations
about themselves. Parents must strive to make sense out of their impulsive
behavior without sounding like a know-it-all. No matter how ill-advised
or irrational the behavior, there is some rational thread embedded
in the story. Our job is to listen carefully, find the thread, and
make our child aware of it in a nonthreatening manner. The more that
we can designate the steps that lead to their acting out, the more
able they will be to see it coming, and take preventive action before
the point of no return.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly
self-control/social skills building program called Parent Coaching
Cards. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting
In Today’s Society is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com
or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com
or 610-238-4450.
