Understanding Negative Influences
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes, “What advice do you have about negative
influences? Our teenage son is drifting towards the wrong crowd. We’ve
tried to talk to him about it but he shuts down.We don’t want
to choose his friends but feel the need to do something. Help!”
Friendships occupy positions of extreme importance in the lives of
adolescents. Often times it can seem as if they are more important
than parents! Friends find things out before we do, they tend to be
more easily forgiven (whether or not they deserve to be), and friends
can have great influence over many areas of a teen’s emerging
identity. Their choice of music, movies, clothes, boyfriends or girlfriends,
classes, jobs, and so on, can all be “peer reviewed” for
acceptability. In some teens, it doesn’t stop here. Personal
standards of behavior, school performance, morals and values, can
also fall prey to peer influence. This makes it especially important
for teens to make good friendship choices.
Teens become more susceptible to negative influences for many reasons.
Perhaps they have not comfortably established themselves within their
peer group, are not prepared for the challenges they will confront,
or have attached themselves in an unhealthy way to a peer whom they
greatly admire, or even idealize. These scenarios can set the stage
for a host of problems, from disrespect for authority to delinquent
activities. Here are some coaching tips to keep in mind when approaching
your teen about this issue:
Positive relationships with adults and peers are one of the best insulators
against negative influences. Adults does not only apply to parents,
but to coaches, teachers, academic advisors, etc. Sometimes these
other adults may actually hold more sway over your teen’s susceptibility
to negative influences because they may know more than you do about
what is really going on. They can also speak to your teen from a different
vantage point and their words may not be seen as just another lecture
from Mom or Dad.
Approach the topic of negative influences with open ended, nonjudgmental
statements rather than closed minded questions and pronouncements.
Remember that most of these negative influences are better known as
friends by your teen. Teens tend to be rather sensitive about parents
passing judgment about who they hang out with. Try not to step into
the role of interrogator who makes them feel like you are grilling
them for information or trying to scare them out of a friendship.
Instead of the question, “Do you think his parents know that
he does so and so?” try, “When he does that it must make
you wonder what to do.” It’s often better to be indirect.
Be careful about making arbitrary rules about negative influences;
you might drive your teen into a more susceptible position. It is
important to respect the truism that by keeping your child away from
something too strictly you may in the long run increase their attraction
to it. Try to gather as much information about the “wrong crowd,”
including your teen’s thoughts and feelings and those of other
kids and adults. When the time is right, share these ideas with your
teen, being careful to match your tone to their feelings, and ensure
that your comments are more fact based and less opinion. Don’t
let this issue place undue strain upon your relationship.
When the door to difficult discussions opens, be prepared with what
you’re going to say. One way to broach the subject is by suggesting
that they will be meeting up with all kinds of situations and may
kinds of kids. If they aren’t willing to share some of these
challenges with you, they won’t help you understand just how
prepared they are to deal with the tough situations in life. And if
you don’t have a sense of how equipped they are to deal with
tough challenges, how are you going to have the peace of mind to extend
their privileges? This places the onus of talking on them, and allows
you to refer back to this discussion if you need to in the future.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A
New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available
through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted
at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about
Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the
press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
