Coaching The Child Who Feels Like A Victim
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
Parents write: Is
there such a thing as a child having a “victim complex?” Our
preteen son often views the world in terms of what others are doing to
him or what he is not getting. As much as we try to convince him otherwise
he still persists. What should we do?
All of us perceive events with some degree of subjectivity. Our background
experiences, personality, and present circumstances cause some “perceptual
blurring.” When these factors create a persistent pattern of narrow
interpretations, such as overly trusting or mistrusting attitudes, the
results can be emotionally and socially costly. This is especially true
of children since they don’t have the same freedom to avoid those
people or situations that trigger such slanted perceptions.
Those children who view themselves as the consistent victim of events
around them tend to behave in ways that fulfill these perceptions. Relentless
arguing one’s point, stubborn refusals to consider alternate explanations,
and spiteful efforts to “punish” nonbelievers can turn family
life into a daily debate over facts and fantasy. Parents soon run out
of patience, reacting in ways that augment the child’s self-defeating
beliefs. Here are some strategies to help rebalance a child’s perceptions:
? Don’t try to change your child’s perceptions when emotions
are at their peak. If your child is in the throes of protesting about
yet another grievance it is best to listen and answer in a nonjudgmental
manner. Later, after the emotions have subsided, begin a discussion about
how people misinterpret events around them. Offer examples of how it happens
to adults and see if they can open their mind to that possibility. If
so, explain how everyone looks at things in life a little differently
than others and that when people see similar bad things over and over
again it’s time to consider that maybe they are misinterpreting.
Suggest they begin to ask themselves the following question after something
bad happens to them: “Is there another way of looking at this other
than that I always have bad things happen to me?”
Consider the possibility that some intrinsic limitation, such as a learning
disability or processing delay, is placing pressure upon a child’s
perceptions of fairness and equality. Children with learning or other
issues have more difficulty navigating within the world of expectations
and consequences. Rather than appreciate how these limits may be producing
such difficulty, they may project blame for those difficulties upon events
and people around them. Educating them about their “learning or
listening differences,” and teaching them how to advocate for themselves,
may make them less prone to view life as a victim.
Address those sources that may be continuing to fuel your child’s
perceptions. Unresolved jealousy of a sibling, untenable pressures at
home, school, practice, or within the community, or past traumas may be
contributing to these narrow views. If so, give your child the freedom
to talk about these circumstances and develop an action plan to correct,
or at least minimize, the adverse impact.
Look for opportunities to point out when favorable outcomes occur. Children
with these propensities are not especially cognizant of such events because
they do not confirm their belief system. Parents can help by “mentally
highlighting” the good things that happen and suggesting that the
child store some of these for times of disappointment. Such a “good
time reserve tank ” can also be documented for future reference.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at
director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent
Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit to
The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
|
