Managing Summertime Moodiness
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes: The summer has barely begun and already my
kids are having trouble dealing with all their free time. Moodiness,
frequent arguments between the three of them, and miscellaneous aggravations
are the order of the day. And I’m just referring to the time
after camp! Any ideas for coaching “summer survival skills”
for parents?
For many children, summer is eagerly anticipated as a time of boundless
fun and fulfillment of their expectations. Sleeping late, lounging
in front of the television, playing video or computer games whenever
they want, or enjoying the outdoors to their heart’s content
may all appear on their list of perceived entitlements. The lack of
homework and other structuring activities further reinforces the perception
of summer months as “time off” from work and “time
for” the good life. Such unrealistic expectations set the stage
for a host of problems that turn siblings into adversaries and find
parents deep in the trenches of child management.
Children’s successful adjustment to the increased freedom of
the summer can be made easier by parents who act preventively by employing
the following coaching tips:
Rather than wait for kids to spiral downward in their behavior and
mood as expectations collide with reality, talk about these issues
a head of time. Schedule a family meeting where you point out the
challenges of the summer months in terms of increased sharing, turn
taking, negotiation and compromise, and other skills that are more
often needed during this time of the year. See if the kids can come
up with some of their own strategies for sharing the computer, resolving
disputes over sports games, borrowing items from one another, requesting
their physical and verbal space not be violated, and other common
sibling trigger points. Write down these problem areas and solutions
so that they can be posted and serve as “ Our family rules of
conduct.”
Some children benefit from more intensive mood management because
of their less resilient personalities. Since summer time is not without
it’s frustrations and annoyances, some children with brittle
personalities can quickly succumb to fits of bitter protest and feelings
of unfairness. These meltdowns are often the product of what parents
may see as a typical, and often minor, frustration experienced by
the child as a direct attack upon their entitlements. Mood management
refers to strategic efforts by parents to activate a child’s
awareness of how their frustration is forcing them in the wrong behavior
direction. State firmly and flatly, “It’s time for you
to make a choice between allowing your frustration to rule your reactions
or controlling your reactions to your frustration.”
Instruct children in how to resist getting entangled in the nets of
arguing, moodiness and provocations by their brother or sister. One
child’s bad mood tends to be contagious. In effect, children
try to create the same negative feelings in others that they feel
themselves. Parents can help preempt this process by coaching “know
when to back off and ignore” skills when the bad mood alarm
sounds. Privately confer with each child about the signs and signals
to look out for in their family members so that they don’t fall
into the bad mood trap sprung by their sibling (or perhaps by a parent,
as well.) Reassure them that this watchfulness will pay off in their
not getting into trouble.
Be prepared to back up your management efforts with consequences.
Unchecked negativity and/or hostility should not be tolerated by parents
and other family members. Don’t hesitate to enforce the rule
that hot heads need private cool down time. Ensure that when children
threaten the family peace they spend time by themselves to recover
control over their reactions. Suggest that they spend atleast five
minutes in their room to take some deep breaths and tell themselves
to put their bad mood behind them so that it won’t spread to
create more problems for themselves and others.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
