Coaching The Oversensitive Child
A parent writes: Our daughter reacts with tears and tantrums
to many things that other kids take in stride. She often takes things
too personally yet may be the first to insult others. When we tell her
she feels blamed and gets even angrier. Why does this happen and what
can we do about it?
Children who are beset by over reactions to negative life experiences
are often referred to as oversensitive. Mistakes on the part
of parents or peers, such as oversights, accidents or hurtful comments,
can trigger a dramatic torrent of hurt feelings. Narrow misinterpretations
of events, related to an inflated view of themselves, can pose problems
within peer relationships and in adapting to new people and places.
If the child doesn’t adopt the personality skills to manage such
ego wounds, girls may grow up to be seen as prima donnas and boys as
narcissists. Parents who wish to help oversensitive children turn life’s
bumps and bruises into opportunities for personality growth are offered
the following coaching tips:
Ask yourself, “How may I be contributing to the trouble?”
It is not uncommon for parents to plant the seeds for this problem by
treating children in an overly indulgent and ego gratifying manner.
The failure to set appropriate limits, frustrate and consequence when
necessary, and provide constructive feedback may contribute to the child’s
unrealistic view of themselves. This self-centered bubble is easily
popped by life events that challenge their sense of self-importance,
stirring up self-righteous anger and protest.
Pick a quiet time and private place to provide a description
of how they can benefit from more emotional inoculation. Inoculation
refers to the process of purposefully building up a child‘s healthy
defenses to let them contend with hurtful or unfortunate events. “Just
like when you get your shots that hurt but protect you from bad illnesses,
you can also be inoculated from feelings hurting too much by learning
how to deal with life’s difficulties,” is one way to introduce
the topic.
Explain how misinterpretations and emotional outbursts set them
up to look touchy and hot-headed, even though it’s not how they
want to come across. Children (and adults) with these narcissistic
tendencies are often the first to feel wronged by others but unable
to receive any negative feedback themselves. It leaves the impression
of being the first to “dish it out but unable to take it.”
Explain and point out how this pattern is evident in others, and how
your child can overcome it before it becomes too embedded in them.
Review key events from the past when your child overreacted.
The passage of time allows you to point out how disproportionate their
reactions were now that their feelings have subsided. Explain how the
intensity of their hurt feelings blinded them to realizing all the factors
involved in the situation. Be sure to point out the inconsistencies
between how they perceived things then and how they really turned out
to be. Often times, oversensitive children perceive events in an overly
personal and intentional manner that hindsight can reveal as distorted
and flawed interpretations.
Offer alternate interpretations to take the place of the personalized
ones arrived at by your child. During discussions about past
and present events see if your child can come up with more general explanations
for why things happened as they did. For example, emphasize how easy
it is for friends to forget to call back because of things going on
at home and it’s necessarily due to their wish to make your child
feel bad.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
