Help
For The Perfectionistic Child
A parent
writes, Our daughter places a great deal of pressure on herself to
excel in school, piano, sports, and just about everything else. This
pattern makes it hard for her to accept criticism, errors, and anything
less than perfection. We often find ourselves trying to soothe her
disappointment. Do you have any coaching tips to share?
Perfectionism grips some children’s self-esteem and self-evaluations
with relentless reminders of their inadequacies. Often times, this
occurs against a backdrop of impressive achievements and praise from
the outside world. Unfortunately, their internal world of self-talk
is littered with self-criticisms and denigration. Parents, teachers
and coaches shake their heads in disbelief when a highly motivated
and capable child denies herself the satisfactions of her achievements.
A popular misconception surrounding perfectionism is that it is always
the product of driven parents who push their children toward endless
heights. No doubt many children’s strivings are related to gaining
parental approval but perfectionism warps that normally healthy base
for motivation into a self-imposed, tyrannical demand for flawless
performance in life. Even parents with high standards don’t
“produce” perfectionism but may find their child interpreting
their expectations this way. The roots of perfectionism are often
temperamental, with links to conscience development and native abilities.
Here are some coaching strategies to tame the passions of perfectionism:
? Listen carefully to the voice of perfectionism in your child’s
mind. Parents are in a unique position to evaluate the intensity of
perfectionistic traits because such children tend to speak them aloud
at home. Angry put downs such as “I’m so stupid!”
or “I can’t do anything right!” may signal the pressure
is building. Rather than attempt to talk your child out these labels
try to assess the feelings behind the words. Suggest that they are
caught up in disappointment in themselves and that these feelings
can lead them to be very critical about everything they do. “Sometimes
that critical voice is very mean to us,”
is one way to start off a conversation that helps them reveal how
the various perfectionistic pressures are experienced.
When the timing is right, educate them about perfectionism. Children
with this problem may be extremely fearful of disappointing parents
and teachers, misinterpret constructive criticism, and apply a rigid
sense of right and wrong in their evaluations of events and performance.
They benefit from learning how these perceptions and pressures are
coming from perfectionism. One way to educate them is to introduce
the concept of “Miss (or Mr.) Perfect.” For example, “Some
kids and adults have a part of them that pushes them toward perfection,
like a Miss Perfect, and this part gets in their way of being happy
with themselves. Miss Perfect makes it hard to accept errors, enjoy
learning new things because it takes time to perform well, and worry
about disappointing us.”
If appropriate, gently offer examples that show how Miss Perfect arrives
on the scene when self-measurement is inherent in situations.
Help them develop a more realistic framework to self-measure. Perfectionistic
children may distort the meaning of “try your best” to
mean “perform perfectly.” The notion of placing relative
effort into performance based upon the situation and task demands
is not well understood. Parents can make this more literal by drawing
a ruler with numbers 1-5. Explain how effort and expectations of themselves
can be linked to each number depending upon the situation. Number
5 can correspond to a safety rule that should always be followed since
the risks are so great if the child doesn’t put maximum effort
into it. Number 4 might be associated with an important school requirement,
#3 with a less important school requirement, #2 with an optional or
extra credit assignment, and so on. The goal is for them to recognize
how different demands call for different expectations of oneself.
Offer self-talk statements that allow for more balanced self-evaluations.
Once children can pinpoint how perfectionism intrudes into their feelings
and thoughts like a “mental magnifier” of their errors
it’s time to give them alternate “talk-to-themselves messages.”
Explain to them that Miss Perfect may not agree but we all deserve
to feel good about ourselves even though we can’t be perfect.
Suggest that they can remind themselves of this in different ways.
For example, “Believing in myself even when I’m making
mistakes will help me do better,” or “I should prepare
myself to make some mistakes because I know that nobody is perfect
– including me!” Look for opportunities to demonstrate
these concepts and gradually help your child build a healthier self-view.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
