Tips For Parenting Preschoolers
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes, “My husband and I have an ongoing debate
about how to deal with our preschooler. She is sweet and loving but
can be a handful when it comes to trying to get her to follow our
agenda. We are particularly frustrated by her headstrong nature and
difficulty accepting no for an answer. Any ideas?
Parenting preschool children can be likened to the job of a short-order
cook during the lunch time rush. Different orders appear before us,
each one feels urgent to our customer so time is of the essence, and
don’t even think about making a mistake because we’re
supposed to get it right each and every time. And much like their
requests change so do our roles; one moment we are the confidante
as they discuss an upsetting event at school but the next moment we’re
the disciplinarian after they hit us for not understanding their message.
These examples underscore one word that comes to mind when parenting
preschoolers:
changeable. Their mindsets fluctuate between the egocentricism of
earlier days and the cognitive advances that come with “trying
to be good.” The two sides seem to battle for dominance. Their
newfound cognitive and physical capacities aid their pursuit of discovery
and self-satisfaction, or alternately, help them take steps toward
becoming a cooperative member of the family and larger community.
Sometimes we find that the pleasure-seeking side (what I call the
“reacting side”) is more in evidence at home while the
self-controlled side (what I call the “thinking side”)
is more in charge at preschool.
Here are some coaching points to help build upon the powers of the
thinking side:
Give them the words to help bridge the gap between thinking about
andreacting to events. Many times our kids express an emotion or display
a behavior, such as “urgency protests”(insisting upon
our immediate fulfillment of their order) or “confused complaining”
(complaining about something that they really wanted to do). With
urgency protests, explain that things don’t happen as quickly
as they want them to and part of being a big girl or boy is being
able to say to yourself, “I can wait till it’s time.”
With confused complaining, explain that getting disappointed by things
happens to everybody but we can say to ourselves that there are still
good things to look forward to even when I’m disappointed.
Look for ways to distill larger lessons from repeating patterns of
behavior. Preschoolers require explicit rules that are consistently
enforced, which is one reason why they have an easier time adapting
to the structure of school. Parents can capitalize upon this need
for clarity by introducing “life rules” that apply to
people, places, and things. For instance, among “people rules”
may be that kids must feel safe and get to know each other better
before certain games are played. “Place rules” may include
that when they are at other homes they can not help themselves to
whatever they want. “Thing rules” apply to how they put
their belongings away and respect the property of others. If rules
are broken parents can express disappointment, and much like is the
case in preschool, withhold certain privileges as a symbolic reminder
that broken rules lead to missing out on some good stuff.
Recognize how our expectations set the stage for our reactions (and
their’s). The 3 to 6 year old is programmed to behave in “ex”
ways – exploring, experimenting, expressing, and exploding.
And we have our “ex’s” – our expectations.
But if we predominantly use direct commands or force we are more likely
to produce kids who are openly defiant. It’s important to allow
them to express their individuality within acceptable parameters.
For instance, offer them broad parameters to appropriately play out
a range of developmental issues. Play is a wonderful place for them
to take the emotional charge out of the issues that might get them
into trouble in the real world. Secondly, offer them narrow parameters
to learn the rules of age appropriate social behavior. Give and take,
cause and effect, boundaries, and perspective taking are examples
of the social rules we all must learn. Don’t overlook social
behavior in the home than will not be tolerated on the outside. Lastly,
label feelings so that they can discharge their impulses and emotions
without acting on them.
Explain the concepts of the thinking vs. reacting side and how they
vie for control.
Even preschoolers can understand how there are two sides to every
person and we all must try to strengthen our “thinking side
muscles.” Point out examples of how the two sides are expressed
and introduce the concept of “thinking side tests, ” or
times when things don’t go our way and we must try to behave
the right way. Offer them times when you were put to the test –
and let them hear you use the words to navigate your way through one
of your tests.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA. He has
developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program
called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools
around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New Approach To
Parenting In Today’s Society is available through Sopris West
(sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com
or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more
parenting columns, or review the press kit to The Parent Coach,
visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
