Raising The Single-Parented Child
Single parenting presents a variety of challenges for children and parents. Depending upon circumstances, children may be beset with feelings of abandonment, rejection, self-blame, entitlement or many other puzzling reactions. Despite good intentions, it’s easy for parents to confound the problem through attempts to make their child feel better or to get them to accept the realities of life. This can set the stage for later problems in a child’s development. Fears of attaching to the opposite sex, ingrained attitudes about what is “owed” to them, or pent up emotions that compromise the quality of life, are examples of how parent absence can leave lasting psychological scars. Many children raised by single parents grow up happy, well-adjusted, and able to place their childhoods in proper perspective. Sometimes this happens because parents take measures to safeguard their emotional health; other times, children’s temperament and inner resources aid their healthy adaptation. Here are some tips for parents to consider: Elicit your child’s feelings about the absent parent. Don’t fool yourself into thinking, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Kids of single parents need help and permission to express their feelings and thoughts about what it’s like for them to be denied two parents under one roof. They will have a variety of reactions, from anger, sadness and blame, to questions that tug at your heart. Permit these expressions and gently lead them to understanding how it’s better to talk out these feelings so they don’t get trapped inside. Use caution when bringing your romantic partners into their life. Kids living with a single parent often develop strong attachments to their parent’s friends. Feelings of loss and betrayal can result if these adults suddenly disappear. Moreover, these same feelings can surface simply as a result of romantic partners entering the scene. Acknowledge their feelings and explain that you will consider those feelings in your decision, but not be governed by them. Don’t allow children to step into the shoes of the absent parent. It’s very common for a boy to attempt to become “man of the house” if being raised by a single mother, as is true of a girl raised by a father. This can threaten sibling relationships and undermine parental authority. Bring this to the attention of the child and explain how harmful it is to family functioning. If you’ve allowed this to happen, consider other possible “blind spots” that impair your parenting vision. Just like dual parenting, being a single parent can raise many different personal issues. Don’t make headlines for doing the right thing in your kid’s mind and the wrong thing in the eyes of society. Single-parent guilt can lead some to be overly permissive or to overlook important boundaries between parent and child. These short-sighted tendencies will eventually backfire, straining the relationship, leaving single parents feeling bitter and used. Use the hardships of single parenting to build your
child’s character strengths. Despite the obvious challenges
of raising a child without a partner, consider these hardships as
a foundation to promote healthy coping skills and aptitudes. Greater
opportunities to learn about sacrifice, responsibility, and autonomy
are important building blocks for a successful life. Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450 |
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