The Parent Coach:
Developing Emotional Resilience
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
Do
you have any suggestions for children (and fathers) who don’t
“bounce back” well? My husband and our kids, ages 8 and
15, respond to disappointments with extreme reactions. Not only do
they remain angry and sullen for long periods, but they also need
to blame someone, and usually it’s a family member. This strains
relationships and makes those around them wary about making plans
with them.
Emotional resilience provides for the ability to quickly recover from
disappointments. For some children and adults, the unexpected nature
of disappointments is experienced as an assault on their perception
of control. Those of us with higher needs for control over the people
and surrounding circumstances in our lives may have greater difficulty
taking setbacks in stride. This is partly due to the premium that
is placed on “scripting” the way things are done so much
that outside forces may not have as much opportunity to change the
course of events. It’s an attempt to shield ourselves from outside
control, and the possibility of disappointment.
Children with a high need for control are especially prone to getting
trapped by their disappointment feelings because so much of life is
actually not under control. In my therapeutic work with them I use
the metaphor of being sideswiped by something unexpected and finding
oneself in the “disappointment ditch.” The more they complain
and blame their aches on others, the harder it is to break free. Blaming
may also temporarily relieve their feelings of powerlessness. And
if a parent models this same self-defeating pattern of blaming and
complaining, children tend to follow suit. Here are a few coaching
points to help the “reluctant recoverers” in your family:
Empathize with their struggles. There is little to enjoy when your
child is sulking. Yet, this period of nursing wounds can be an opportunity
to express empathy. I suggest that you offer some “symbolic
satisfactions” at this time, such as surprising them with a
favorite drink or snack. The intent is to say with actions what is
sometimes better not to say with words: “You see, the world
is not all bad - there are some good things left in it.”
One warning: don’t use this as an opportunity to urge them to
get over it.
Don’t try to talk them out of their perceptions. One frequent
mistake that family members make is to use reason to challenge the
blame-focused perceptions of those stuck in the ditch. This can make
them dig their heels in more, and leave you feeling frustrated with
them! Although your own guilt about their unhappiness may prompt you
to debate the issues, you’re better off explaining, “It
makes me unhappy to see you this way but I can’t change the
way you see things.” It’s hard to accept that sometimes
we can’t relieve the suffering of those we love, and that only
they can do it for themselves.
If discussion is not too antagonistic, focus on the future, not the
past. Children with this problem tend to collect their grievances
and air them during the most recent setback. Don't fall into the trap
of reviewing their past disappointments where evidence of all the
unfairness of life is piled up. Encourage them to look ahead and not
behind. Point out how keeping their mind open to future opportunities
creates future satisfactions.
Don't forget that parents lead the way. We can’t afford to neglect
our responsibility to model the behavior we wish to see reflected
in our children. Parents are wise to recognize where we might be sending
the wrong message to our kids. Look for opportunities to “self-correct”
or demonstrate how we can put bad feelings behind us in order to make
room for the good ones to come.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
