Responding
To The Concerns Of The Adopted Child
A
parent writes, Our eight year old daughter has been raised with the
knowledge of her adoption. Upon the advice of professionals, we read
books to her, answered her questions as truthfully as possible, and
granted her request to meet her birth mother. This meeting has left
her with many mixed feelings about the adoption which were not present
beforehand. She is now expressing that she “misses” her
birth mother and has started to deny that we are her “real parents.”
What do we do?
Adoption stirs a child’s emotions and thoughts depending upon
the strength of three key elements: age, personality, and environment.
Certain stages of child development may cast a shadow over the fact
of adoption, especially if circumstances contribute. Armed with the
best intentions, some parents who pursue a policy of open disclosure
may find their child uncomfortable with the knowledge they gain. It’s
as if the child can’t find a way to fit the intellectual meaning
of adoption into their emotional frame of reference. The younger the
child, the more information is emotionally filtered, sometimes leading
to unintended consequences. The results can include intense feelings
of sadness or anger, perceptions of having been rejected, or stormy
relationships within the family.
Adoption can be likened to a developmental task that children must
assimilate into their evolving self-concept. Since the importance
of self-concept ebbs and flows throughout childhood, attitudes and
emotions surrounding the adoption issue tends to reflect those changes.
Here are some coaching tips to consider when understanding and approaching
this sensitive issue:
Consider the child’s emotional capacity to deal with the impact
of information before imparting it. Parents are often urged to reveal
the facts of adoption when children are quite young. In most cases
this early awareness is offered in a loving and positive way, blending
well with the child’s emotional state. A meeting between an
older child and birth parent has the potential for very different
consequences. Such contact can immediately intensify dormant feelings
and push the reality of one’s adoption to a higher state of
consciousness. Since it is not possible to predict which child would
be susceptible to such reactions parents should exercise caution with
children until they reach middle to late adolescence.
By explaining how attachments form parents can help children begin
to distinguish between imagination and reality with respect to adoption.
When a child speaks of “missing” a biological parent this
might be her way of talking about the musings surrounding adoption.
Help her move beyond this sticking point by reviewing how attachments
to other people are formed through continued contact, such as with
a teacher or coach. Parents may suggest, ‘Missing feelings’
come usually only after a lot of time together. Maybe what you’re
doing is wondering about what would have happened if you weren’t
adopted?” After giving the child ample time to share her thoughts,
parents can offer their own feelings of pleasure that she was adopted.
Children may refer to adoption to assert their will or as a smoke
screen to hide some feelings they may be unable or unwilling to share
directly. All children go through difficult periods and the adoption
may play a part in those periods, or it may not.
When children express negative emotions through the context of adoption
parents are wise to listen carefully and reinforce the reality of
their love and devotion. Pay careful attention to timing and your
child’s word choice before determining whether the issue is
really about adoption, or some other frustration that is embedded
within the discussion. Try not to get baited into defending your rights
as a parent. Suggest that when adoption comes up at times of anger
it makes it hard to solve other problems, such as cooperation or what
they see as unfairness. You may suggest, “Is this really about
adoption or is it about what just happened and how you’re not
very happy about it?”
Prepare for some of the possible social and emotional fall-out that
adoption may occasion. Despite parents’ best efforts, adopted
children may face teasing or other forms of social harassment because
peers have learned of their status. Similarly, identity or self-esteem
concerns may arise, either in adolescence or perhaps before that period.
Parents are wise to consult with qualified professionals should such
matters pose protracted problems for their children.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
