"The
World Does Not Revolve Around You!"
Coaching Empathy To The Self-Centered Child
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
When parents raise
children and provide for so much along the way, many implicit expectations
are embedded within our collective minds. Perhaps one of the most universal
parental beliefs is that as we offer our love, sacrifice and compassion
to them they will become loving, sacrificing, and compassionate human
beings. It doesn't always turn out that way. Despite our best intentions,
some children develop such self-centered perspectives of life that parents
can be heard exclaiming, "The world does not revolve around you!"
Even more puzzling for parents is that typically such children are keenly
sensitive to their own feelings being hurt but display a remarkable insensitivity
to the feelings of others.
Owing to their skewed
views, kids may overlook obvious opportunities to express concern to others,
misunderstand a harried parent's anger at another one of their requests,
or fail to grasp why others may not be interested in listening to their
endless tales of accomplishment. It's as if "narcissistic blinders"
block out the feelings and needs of others, leaving them with what appears
to be a cold indifference. Rather than simply getting angry and repelled,
parents can consider the following coaching tips:
Emphasize
and educate them about the importance of empathy. Explain how
empathy is the ability to sense the feelings and perspectives of others,
and to use that sense as a guide in relationships. "Your ability
to show awareness of others' feelings and warmth with your words will
have a direct effect on your success in life," is one way to get
the message across. Follow that up with regular discussions about how
to display empathy, such as asking questions about matters of importance
to others, offering words of encouragement or reassurance, expressing
compliments, doing favors without being asked, acting thankful rather
than simply saying "thank you," and reciprocating when people
do nice things for them.
Gently peel
back their selfish attitude to reveal a self in need of frequent validation.
Behind the child's mistimed words, dismissive behaviors, and "empathic
obliviousness," lies self-esteem that is shaky at best. Use this
knowledge wisely to bring a child's narcissistic approach to life up for
discussion: "Have you ever noticed how easily your feelings are hurt
but you so easily hurt the feelings of others? Maybe this is something
we need to better understand." Once they are willing to admit to
this tendency the door opens for parents to guide them toward valuing
empathy and authenticity in relationships: "Wouldn't it feel so much
better to know you have made someone other than yourself feel better?"
"Do not
let your wounds select your words." Even more damaging to
relationships than indifference is when a child expresses a cruel and/or
arrogant statement. These thoughtless comments are often triggered by
a variety of ego wounds. Among them include "exposure incidents,"
when a weakness is revealed, "revenge opportunities," when a
wound caused by another has a chance to be returned, "self elevations,"
in response to the achievements of others, and "direct confrontations,"
when someone verbally challenges or disagrees with them. Each of these
circumstances pit's the fragile feeble ego of the child against hurt feelings.
Parents are urged to respond with gentle rebukes to insensitivity, such
as the above quote, and follow up with lengthier explanations of what
an empathic or appropriate response would be.
When discussing
self-centered or selfish behavior label it without shaming the child.
Coaching empathy to self-centered children can be likened to walking a
tightrope; parents offer pointed words of advice without leaning too far
and threatening their feelings. Shame and sorrow can set in, making it
easy for them to dismiss parents as too critical. Offer reassurance such
as, "We all make mistakes and may be too quick to think of ourselves
when we need to think of others." Provide examples of when adults
commit the same error and elaborate upon the social consequences.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New
Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is available through
Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at
director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent
Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns, or review the press kit to
The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
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