Top
Dogs And Underdogs:
Softening The Sting Of Relational Aggression Among Boys
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
The peer group
occupies tremendous influence over one’s passage through childhood.
It can send warm and welcoming signals of acceptance, or in the
bat of an eyelash, dish out cold cruelty that tears at the fabric of children’s
self worth. Twists of fate propel one boy upon a path of “social
security” while another languishes in the role of social outcast.
Physical strength, height, attractiveness, intelligence, athleticism,
and other popularity markers shift the social scales in either direction.
Many boys are so embroiled in the acceptance/rejection cycle that they
perpetrate or fall victim to predatory peer behaviors, such as verbal
mistreatment, banishment, or duplicity.
Relational
aggression describes these negative social actions, often committed within
longstanding friendships. Underneath the cruelty lie powerful
forces that shape the shifting sands of peer life. Wishes for acceptance
and admiration, stored resentments, insecurity-driven rivalries, and other
sources fuel the duel between “top dogs,” or those in power,
and “underdogs,” those without. Armed with insight and reassurance
parents can soften the sting for their sons and empower them with the
knowledge of how to survive rather than succumb to these destructive dynamics.
Here are some coaching tips to consider:
Keep communication
channels open, and if they are closed, gently knock. It’s
common for children to withhold information related to peer problems due
to feelings of inadequacy, fears of embarrassment, or a tendency to shut
off painful thoughts when they return home from school. Parents may assume
“no news is good news” and set themselves up for shocking
revelations when troubles boil over. Approach your child with questions
that reveal your awareness and get to the source: “Just wondering
how things are going between you and your friends. How are people getting
along? Have you noticed how quickly kids can be mean to one other?”
Prepare children
for the unpredictability of friendship. One of the most devastating aspects
of relational aggression is how suddenly it can strike. The targeted
child experiences it as “coming out of nowhere” since the
person who delivers it typically behaves like a close friend and confidante.
Explain how attitudes and behaviors change as children develop. “It’s
important to understand that some friendships that feel good and strong
today won’t always feel that way. Friendships change as you get
older and sometimes you need to find ways to deal with the changes you
see in others.”
Coach children
in ways to be assertive and savvy when responding to relational aggression.
Targeted kids often respond in either a fight or flight pattern, thereby
deepening the damage to friendships. Emphasize the need to respond quickly
and stand their ground without escalating the hostility. Suggest that
they use words that mirror how the aggressor sounds, especially in the
presence of mutual friends. “Your words make you look bad to the
rest of us - the way you turned on me like never before- who’s going
to be next?” captures the essence of being bold but not brutish.
Educate them
about likely themes triggering these behaviors. A pecking order of power
and submission is a frequent backdrop to other issues. For example,
one boy who distinguishes himself in positive ways, but who isn‘t
a “top dog,” may find himself targeted by those who wish to
“unseat” him or verbally diminish his success. Likewise, the
top dog’s need to dominate can manifest itself in arbitrary rule-making
and vicious tricks, while “underdogs” provide silent, tacit
support. This drama is then placed on pause if parents are around, preserving
the impression that all is well between friends. Yet, often times these
behaviors pass as quickly as they appear. Suggest they try and “hang
in there’ until then.
Dr. Steven
Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA. He has developed
a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program called Parent
Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools around the
world. His new book, The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting
In Today’s Society is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com
or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com
or 610-238-4450. To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more
parenting columns, or review the press kit to The Parent Coach,
visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
|
