Parents
write: So many of our friends are enrolling their young children
in classes and activities. We are unsure about it. Are the rewards
worth the risks?
Recent headlines have identified a growing trend among today’s
parents who wish to provide boosts to their children’s intellectual,
athletic, musical, or artistic potentials. Tutoring for toddlers,
after school enrichment, early sports specialization, and other
classes have captured the attention of many overeager parents. In
turn, many pediatric healthcare professionals have voiced serious
concerns about the pressures imposed upon fragile egos, emotional
health and parent-child relationships.
It’s easy for parents to be persuaded to jump on the
bandwagon of turning their progeny into “busy achievers”
since so many others are doing the same. Signs of stress
are easily ignored as children trade free time for scheduled activities
and accomplishments. Here are some warning signs to heed and what
to do about them:
Busy is not always better. Parents who proudly boast about
the many activities filling up their children’s weekly calendar
may be overlooking the costs. Children’s creative, intellectual,
and social skills need open-ended time to explore and soar. Insufficient
opportunity can lead to extreme unevenness and gaps in a child’s
development. This may be revealed by the child who avoids unstructured
play, engages in an overly intellectual style of interaction with
playmates, or shows disdain for “little kid” interests
and discussions that are actually very age-appropriate. Such signs
may signal the need to scale back structured activities in favor
of old fashioned playtime.
Parents need to ensure that their own needs are not the
ones really being served. Some parents treat their children
as narcissistic extensions, hoping to acquire the lost opportunities
of their own childhood. Even young children pick up on the personal
stake the parent places in their being a “super kid.”
This may lead to negativity and tension in the relationship, and/or
manipulation on the child’s part. Watch out if they threaten
to withhold participation in the activity as a way of getting something
in return. Alternately, children may worry that a parent will not
forgive them for wanting to quit since they know how much the parent’s
emotional investment is on the line. Either way, the seeds of emotional
problems take root.
Brittle moods may betray bitterness under the surface.
Some children want so desperately to shine in their parents’
eyes that they won’t dare openly voice mixed or negative feelings
about their “activity life.” Rather than express negativity
about their activities, feelings get re-routed. Complaints about
the parent’s cooking, driving, or comments may be a disguised,
and even unconscious, way to communicate that they have had it with
always submitting to goals set by parents. If these signs appear,
consider mentioning to them that you’re noticed they are more
irritable these days and you wonder if it’s connected to all
they do after school.
Consider giving them more control over their life.
Even young children need a sense of autonomy to help them build
a robust and well-rounded character. Parents assume that they know
best when sometimes they just plain don’t. If children ask
to skip the next session, delay beginning lessons, or simply quit
something underway, parents should give their wishes serious consideration.
Ask them to explain their reasons, offer understanding, and ensure
that they recognize the tradeoffs of their decision. Even if parents
disagree, the lessons learned from sitting out a session may in
the long run create more intrinsic interest in various pursuits.
