Parent
Coaching Special Needs Children
A
parent writes, My wife and I read your last column about Asperger’s
Syndrome with much interest. Much to our frustration, our children
have similar social and self-control difficulties. Can you offer additional
advice on how to help them cope more effectively with the world around
them?
It is not uncommon for parents to find themselves at a loss when trying
to coach life skills to their special needs children. Part of the
problem is that those responses that are so obvious and intrinsic
to our behavior patterns have not yet been firmly established in the
child. This can set in motion a response cycle that leaves the child
feeling unfairly criticized and parents feeling powerless to help.
In my experience, parents are in the best position to provide such
coaching as long as they approach the child with realistic expectations
and helpful ideas.
When children are hampered by Asperger’s Syndrome or other neurologically
based problems, the world may often appear as a vast puzzle that overwhelms
their senses and confounds their thinking. Abruptness, inconsistency,
and sudden disappointment can trigger immense emotional reactions
that are disproportionate and extremely troubling to those around
them. Attempts at conversation may be feeble and one-sided because
it is so difficult for them to assess empathy and perspective-taking.
The ability to infer what other’s expect of them is often very
limited by their narrow focus. Given these limitations, parents can
help them “fit the pieces of the puzzle together” by employing
some of the following coaching tips:
Explain how conversations are like taking turns at telling something
about yourself. Conversational tools include volunteering information
without being asked, pausing to allow other’s to speak, asking
questions that are related to the topic being discussed, and bringing
up subjects that have been covered in the past. Suggest that they
observe how others blend these elements together to form satisfying
conversations. Write out the tools on individual index cards and have
them refer to the cards as they practice having such conversations
where you provide the context and act as a peer. Once they develop
some proficiency, try recording the discussions so that they can listen
to their success and identify areas for improvement.
Prepare them for the sudden and unexpected by highlighting those specific
events. Life is often filled with twists and turns that more rigid
children find hard to navigate around. Explain how common these events
are in everyone’s life and point out their occurrences. Suggest
that these are “thinking side tests” in that they challenge
us to think and not act upon our feelings. Introduce the concept of
“say-it-to-yourself solutions’ that help maintain self-control
and clear thinking. For example, if a parent’s possession is
misplaced, use it as an opportunity to express the solution, “I
know I left it somewhere in the house. When I have the time to thoroughly
look for it, I know I’ll find it.”
Enhance their powers of inference by using television and real life
observations. Explain how the ability to infer meaning essentially
means picking up on clues and figuring out what is going on in a situation.
Facial expression, body posture, tone of voice, eye contact, and other
clues should be identified and referred to when watching television
and/or observing others from a distance. When appropriate, suggest
that you watch a show together with the volume muted and attempt to
infer what it going on between the characters. Another variation is
to watch the first half of a show, turn it off, and discuss what may
have happened during the final sequences. Look for other “inference
tests” involving movie previews, shapshots, and commercials
in order to increase your child’s “Inference Quotient.”
Dr.
Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
