Providing Summer Structure
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
parent writes: As the school year comes to a close, and summer
vacation is just around the corner, my husband and I grow apprehensive.
Without the structure and routine of school, our three kids become
more unruly. It seems like they thrive on tormenting each other, and
I end up playing the role of referee. Any suggestions for how we can
prevent another summer of conflict and get things off on a better
start?
Summer vacation can bring out the best and worst of family life. On
the one hand, the increased time can allow for more positive interaction
and enjoyable activities with our children. But this added time can
also bring to the surface the sibling dynamics that may not get as
frequently activated during the school year. Conflict between siblings
may begin with territorial skirmishes, put downs, negative comparisons,
deliberate provocations, or a host of other catalysts. Yet, many times
the conflict is simply due to the abundance of unstructured time and
the presence of energetic, stimulus-seeking children on a mission
to have fun, even if it’s at the expense of their brothers or
sisters.
Parents can easily lose their patience with the stress produced by
summertime conflict. Angry outbursts, constant threats of punishment,
and guilty feelings about our handling of situations can lead us to
yearn for the school year. Before ending up in that frame of mind
consider some parent coaching advice:
Recognize the importance of imposing structure where none exists.
Many children have trouble making decisions when faced with the degree
of freedom during the summer. After several months of being told what
to do they may need our help in determining which “play-path”
they should take, and how to stick to it once they begin. Parents
can structure children’s decisions by limiting available choices
and preparing them for the obstacles that may get in the way of sustained
interest. Rather than accept their description of a choice as “boring”
or “too hard,” parents can get them started on a path
and provide periodic involvement to help them stick with it.
Sometimes the best choice is a play-alone-path. Separating children
is often used as a consequence for misbehavior between siblings. But
it can also be a daily rule of family life. Not only does it provide
a break from the intensity of full-time sibling encounters, but it
also helps children place greater value in the time they spend together.
Children who must regularly spend time by themselves are more watchful
of their treatment of each other so that play-alone time doesn’t
get lengthened.
Preparation leads to prevention. Summertime further subjects children
to the daily frustrations that parents usually manage by themselves
during the school year, i.e., errands, grocery shopping, traffic conditions,
assorted car trips that only serve adult purposes, etc. The frustrations
of wanting a drink, waiting for something to be over, or being uncomfortable
in a hot car can turn a five minute trip to Wawa into a sibling war.
Parents can prepare for these encounters by using positive distractions
such as favorite music, family trivia games, or creative story-telling.
Incentives for demonstrating “loving brother/sister behavior”
can be offered. A stopwatch for recording the number of peaceful driving
minutes can build teamwork and efforts to reach a “record-breaking”
trip.
Use summertime experiences for social skill development. Another way
to approach sibling conflict is to appeal to an individual child’s
wish to better handle “kid challenges.”
If they have trouble with being too thin-skinned or in “taking
the bait” when provoked, coach them about “keeping their
thinking side in charge” with their brother or sister so that
they have more practice when returning to school. Use role-play and
rehearsal so that when they are confronted by the annoying behavior
of their sibling they can let it roll right off of them.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills
building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands
of homes and schools around the world. His new book, The Parent
Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society is
available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He
can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450.
To learn more about Parent Coaching Cards, read more parenting columns,
or review the press kit to The Parent Coach, visit http://www.parentcoachcards.com.
