Coaching Balance To Children With Special Talents
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
Parents
write: Our daughter’s amazing talents in art and gymnastics
have offered wonderful opportunities but also been a source of personal
pain. We are not sure how best to help. Any suggestions?
In today’s competitive and performance-driven culture,
parents brim with pride upon discovering that their child possesses
a special proficiency. The ensuing years are often filled
with enrichment classes, individualized coaching/instruction, and
opportunities for children to showcase their talent. If the child
develops love for the activity, parents often do not have to supply
much encouragement, just the means for continued growth.
While this circumstance provides many wonderful peaks throughout
childhood, it is not without potential social, familial and emotional
tradeoffs. Inflated egos, parent pressures, social troubles,
and other “talent traps” can counteract some of the extremely
rewarding aspects of being a talented child. To help you and your
child find balance, consider these coaching tips:
Introduce humility at an early age and stress its importance
throughout life. Children with special gifts may develop
an unrealistic view of themselves based upon the praise and admiration
they receive from others. Since personality is still in the process
of formation, it is vital that talented children learn to differentiate
themselves from the activity they perform so well. This can be accomplished
by purposefully exposing the child to activities and arenas where
their talent gives them no edge over others. Humility is also aided
through service-oriented programs where children offer their time
and attention to attend to the needs of the less fortunate.
Translate the meaning of their talent into life lessons they
can apply to other areas. Even talented children contend
with pitfalls in their road to great achievement. Some take their
talent for granted; setting the stage for the attrition of potential.
Others apply the same expectation of excellence to other endeavors;
setting the stage for tremendous disappointment. Dedication to goals,
perseverance in their face of difficulty, and recognizing that reward
is not always associated with winning, are examples of lessons to
take into the future. Parents can reinforce these benefits with discussions
that build a bridge between the child’s talent and the person
they want to become.
Guard against talent becoming the rationale to push too hard
and overlook too much. Be watchful that you don’t use
your child’s gift as a license to overwhelm them with pressures
to perform. Parents easily fall victim to the rationalization that
“it’s for their own good” when everyone else knows
that this is far from the case. Similarly, many parents create different
standards of accountability and responsibility for the talented child.
In addition to breeding resentment within siblings it also blurs generational
boundaries, leading to intense family conflict and disengagement.
When it concerns family functioning, parents are wise to treat talent
as an aspect of uniqueness, much like that of every other child in
the family.
Prepare talented children to adeptly deal with social fallout.
Envy can easily seep into friendships or pose barriers to new relationships.
Talented children may feel confused or criticized by the words and
reactions of peers. Parents are urged to make sense of these situations
by clearly explaining the reasons without negatively judging the behaviors
of others. Some children need guidance to solidify friendships or
start new ones. Suggest that sometimes it’s important to downplay
their talent and show particular interest in the pursuits of others.
Envious comments can be handled with gentle confrontations that reassure
peers that their life is not all about performing their talent, it’s
also about being with people and just having fun.
Dr.
Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting.
He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building
program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes
and schools throughout the world. His book, "The Parent Coach:
A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society," is available
throught Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be
contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn
more, visit www.parentcoachcards.com
