Taming
The Struggle Between Father and Son (or Daughter)
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A
mother writes, “My husband and our 16 year old son have difficulties
in their relationship. Our son complains that his father is always
judging and criticizing him. My husband complains that our son is
mocking and evasive. In my mind the problem is the two of them can’t
stand each other because they think the other is so different but
in fact they really are very similar. Any suggestions?
The struggles between fathers and sons are legendary. In the minds
of some fathers, a son holds such promise, offering them an opportunity
to relive an “improved” version of their own childhood.
Conversely, in the minds of some sons, being fathered means carrying
the weight of responsibility to satisfy a father’s dreams and
destinations. This makes for quite a combustible mixture especially
as the autonomy of middle and late adolescence kicks in, leaving dreams
and destinations in the dust.
Generations might divide fathers and sons but personalities slice
through communication and relationships. Similar personality traits,
such as tendencies to be self-centered, judgmental or stubborn, can
be the staging ground for verbal wars of attrition, wherein no one
wins and the father-son bond is the casualty. To establish a more
positive momentum one of the combatants must stop and see the bigger
picture of what’s at stake. The job of taking heed to consider
future implications falls upon the adult. Fathers, here are some ideas
to reach one of your most critical destinations: a more positive and
nurturing relationship with your child:
Soften up the criticism so it sounds more like a suggestion and feels
less like an incision. Fathers shouldn’t be expected to always
withhold their opinions but just to be more sensitive about sharing
them. Resist the urge to label behavior, such as calling it selfish
or idiotic, since such words leave a stinging imprint on the relationship.
Take context and timing into consideration since the best feedback
might be dismissed by the insensitivity displayed in delivery. Make
it a habit of prefacing your comments by mentioning the positives
before the negatives. And last but not least, take pains to avoid
embarrassing your teenager or you will certainly live to regret it.
Balance
debating with validating so you don’t always come across as
the opinion adversary. Some fathers have a habit of often taking the
opposing point of view when their adolescent’s express themselves.
The goal may be to help kids consider alternate points of view or
learn how to assert themselves but the result can make fathers look
like verbal bullies. Overlooked is the fact that teenagers still require
praise and validation from parents. Just because they might be as
tall as us doesn’t justify our relating to them as we might
our adult friends when a point of contention is debated. Deep down
there’s still an ego under construction, strengthened or weakened
by the words that flow from mothers and fathers.
Find common ground topics and activities immune to judgments and criticisms.
Positive, bonded relationships require plenty of time for mindless
fun without editorial content. Make sure you spend time together laughing
at Adam Sandler movies, reminiscing about a favorite vacation, or
doing something completely out of character for you but totally enjoyable
for your kid. Turn off your “critical voice” during these
times so that your teen can perceive you as a regular person who enjoys
them and not someone assigned to critique them.
Keep an open mind to spousal feedback. Of the people most qualified
to comment upon your fathering your wife may well rank near the top.
She sees you at your best and your worst and serves as a sounding
board to your teen. This probably means that she has more knowledge
of what’s wrong in your relationship than you do, and what contributions
are yours alone. She may also have some suggestions for how to build
a more positive bond since she has faced the same challenge and probably
learned a few things in the process.
