Removing The Thorns From The Thorn-In-The-Side
Student
A parent/teacher writes: Each year I have at least one student
in my fifth grade class who sits in judgment of my every decision, ready
to protest perceived injustices and hold me accountable to their standards.
Not only is this disruptive and frustrating to my teaching, but my own
home is affected by the same behaviors in our 11 year old son. Any suggestions
on how to effectively respond other than my standard threats of punishment?
Each child approaches the classroom through a variety of perceptual
lenses. Some view the academic demands in sharpest detail, minimizing
the social and personal aspects of the environment. Others can’t
seem to screen out the social scene. They look to classmates to showcase
their sense of humor, or may inhibit their participation due to fear
of peer sanctions. Personality factors cloud the perspective of students
who narrowly view the classroom through the lens of fairness and equality.
The “big picture” doesn’t occur to them; social context,
hidden teacher intentions and boundaries are disregarded if an injustice
is perceived.
Teachers are not enamored with students who practice injustice
collecting. Typically, protests drain teachers’ patience,
further deepening the child’s view of the teacher as mean and
unfair. Bitterness on both sides is the result. Here are some coaching
strategies that might help smooth over this thorny issue
Consider the mindset behind the protests. Believe
it or not, but headstrong students often perceive teachers’ decisions
as disrespectful to them and therefore feel justified to return the
treatment. Disrespect may be interpreted in the form of teacher favoritism,
rule enforcement, or even forgetfulness. Each time a teacher errs, in
their mind, it may be grounds for a verbal challenge. Deep down they
may be acting out unresolved feelings with a parent or sibling but unaware
of any of those foundation issues. However, the strength of their emotions
surrounding classroom decisions makes it clear that there is more going
on than just their response to a teacher decision.
Privately conference with the student about the best way to
air complaints. These students respond best to one-to-one discussions
where teachers do not trigger the tripwire of disrespect.
Talk about hypothetical examples of how teachers must maintain boundaries
in the classroom in order for learning to occur. Discuss appropriate
times to address personal disagreements over decisions, such as during
homeroom or at the end of the day at the teacher’s desk. Stress
how you admire their willingness to speak up for themselves but would
like for them to work on tact and timing. Give examples of how they
might have brought up past issues in a more appropriate way and received
a far more “respectful” response from you. Suggest the two
of you “clear the slate” of past bad vibes and start anew
with these ideas.
Caution the student about the social costs of moaning and groaning.
Students who fit this profile can easily get tagged by peers with labels
such as difficult, hot head, or complainer. Social ostracism can result.
When teachers observe evidence of this development, sensitively point
it out to the student. Describe how important it is to keep the “big
picture” in mind before expressing oneself. Explain how “big
picture thinking” considers how they appear to others before speaking
aloud their thoughts or places brakes upon the impulse to jump to conclusions
because they may not have all the facts.
If possible, offer them an example of where their expressed belief was
off base or where they waged a classroom argument that cost them respect
in the minds of classmates.
Ensure that parents are aware of these troubles so that everyone
is on the “same page.” Children who protest against
injustices often do so at home and other places that lend themselves
to “fairness measuring.” Parents should be asked to speak
to the child about these tendencies. Some parents unwittingly accommodate
to the problem, giving their child a false sense of security with challenging
adults in error. Encourage parents to firmly speak to the child about
these issues and be prepared not to indulge the child’s habit
of debating the decisions of family life. It’s completely appropriate
to expect children to accept many parental judgments without the need
for cross examination. Instead of allowing debate, parents should focus
upon the child’s problem of protesting too much.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
