The Parent Coach: Coaching Tolerance Among Siblings
My 8 year old son used to treat his 5 year old brother very
well until these past six months or so. Now he torments him with put
downs, baiting behaviors, and by pushing him away. Any suggestions?”
The emotions that flow between siblings provide for some of the best
and worst moments of family life. Affection, jealousy, loyalty, competition,
and many others, can make relationships between brothers and sisters
seem to swing on a pendulum. Parents can be confused by these extremes,
and may resort to knee-jerk reactions, such as holding older children
responsible for what goes wrong. Such skapegoating does not get to the
typical source of the problem: hidden feelings and perceptions that
get triggered by daily interactions. Here are some pointers that I recommend
to parents when addressing sibling rivalry.
Don't be afraid to intervene. Some parents have been
schooled to “let the two of them work it out” as if the
result will serve both parties. It won’t. More often it serves
the older child and places the younger one in an overly subservient
role. One goal of the sibling relationship is to plant the seeds for
healthy social relationships outside the family. It isn’t helpful
for the older child to venture into his social world with the expectation
of wielding control and the younger one with the resignation of being
controlled. Our children depend on us to give them the tools to cope
with the challenges of growing up. Sometimes these challenges occur
in our own homes and backyards.
Consider the source of the problem behavior. It is
important to remember that no matter how egregious the behavior, it
is motivated by underlying feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. Simply
telling your son that so-and-so was wrong doesn’t give them an
understanding as to why he behaved that way. In the present case, it
is possible that the younger brother is now becoming more independent
of his big brother. The older son may experience that as being symbolically
pushed away, and therefore, react by doing some pushing himself. This
dynamic normally takes place outside the older boy’s awareness,
but parents can gently make him aware of it. This awareness can help
him resist the temptation to retaliate.
Come with answers, not just questions. When approaching
a problem behavior between siblings, our instincts are to ask why such-and-such
happened, and then brace for the resulting war of words. While it’s
important that we get a sense of what happened, the actual “facts
of the case” are often in dispute. Therefore, I suggest that parents
focus less on questioning and more on offering individual answers to
solve the problem sources. For instance, if the older son repeatedly
tries to “spoil” the fun of his younger brother, parents
can coach how not to trust his jealous feelings. Parents can explain
how jealous feelings are becoming stronger inside him and offer tangible
ways to control them. It’s preferable to emphasize how your child
can overcome a triggering event, such as a sibling receiving attention,
rather than simply scold him for his behavior. One way to do this is
to offer a message he can repeat in his own mind, such as “I need
to remember that it can’t always be my turn to get all the attention.”
Such self-talk coping messages strengthen the child’s ability
to use rational thought to control emotional pressure.
Observe interactions that promote a positive relationship.
As parents, we have a tendency to focus on what is going wrong rather
than learning from events that are going right. By listening to the
ways our children positively interact we can pick up on subtle cues
that help maintain the homeostasis between siblings. These can include
compliments, offers to help, and warm tones of voice. Once we identify
these “sibling bond makers” we can coach each child in how
they help make each other feel more secure, wanted, and willing to reciprocate.
Keep in mind that the sibling relationship is often the most fragile
in the family, and therefore requires an appropriate degree of parental
oversight. Our enlightened investment in their bond as children will
help promote a healthy and enduring relationship within their adulthood.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
