When To Say “Yes” (When You Really
Want To Say “No”)
A parent writes: My friends and I are always wondering how
to determine if our kids, ranging from 6th to 9th grades, are ready
for the “next step,” whether it be going to the mall, movie,
or whatever. How should parents decide?
One of the most perplexing parts of raising children is the
question of readiness. This refers to the factors that parents must
consider when determining if children are prepared for increased privileges
and responsibilities. It may be a request to go to the mall or a movie
without adult supervision or to manage their academic workload without
parental oversight. Perhaps it entails a specific event such as attending
a sleepover with “challenging peers” or going to a boy/girl
party or out on a date. Caught between wanting to protect them and support
their independence, we may buckle under the pressure of what other parents
decide or refer back to our own childhoods for answers. The downside
is that these reference points don’t consider our individual child,
but merely give us a hook to hang our parenting angst and uncertainties.
A prudent approach is to evaluate requests in the context of social
and emotional maturity. Since pre and early adolescence is a time of
tremendous variation in the maturity levels of children, guidelines
should be based upon the child not the trend. Here are some guidelines
on how to measure whether it’s time to say “yes” to
your child’s request to take the next step:
Outline and inventory how well your child manages their present
responsibilities. Consider the following headings: Family,
School, Peers, Events, and Miscellaneous. Under each heading list related
questions. Under ‘Family’ place ‘Demonstrates family
loyalty; Follows family rules; Communicates concerns to parents’
Under ‘School’ place ‘Puts necessary effort into
work; Prioritizes; Pursues help when needed;’
Under ‘Peers’ place ‘Resists pressures; Shows leadership;
Rejects negative influences; Manages awkward situations well'
Under ‘Events’ list those parent absent situations that
served to indicate their maturity level. Use the ‘Miscellaneous’
heading for other issues such as money management, safety consciousness,
and direction following.
On a separate sheet, rate each one of these ‘maturity measures’
from 1-5 with 4 -5 being the target zone. Once that is complete, ask
your child to rate themselves. Discuss discrepancies and how they can
increase their ratings in different categories, i.e., respect curfews,
inform parents of troubles, improve academic planning etc.
Tests of maturity can be found in many places if you know where
to look. Parents regularly make requests such as, “Call
me when you get there…Contact your coach/teacher/tutor and explain
the circumstances…Look for the missing possession by yourself…Don’t
expect me to bail you out…Don’t rely upon your friend to
remember…Make good decisions about what to wear on your own…”
Each one of situations provides a window into our children’s inventory
of social and emotional maturity. Also, don’t overlook these opportunities
as helpful launching points to discuss virtues such as self sufficiency,
honesty, reliability to and humility.
Say “yes” with conditions, and ensure they are met.
Typically, kids in this age range feel entitled to grater independence
but don’t recognize parents’ needs to know more about what
is happening when they are enjoying their new freedoms. Parents can
use requests for increased privileges as an opportunity to open up discussion
about related or touchy issues, such as cigarettes, drugs, sex, or ‘questionable’
friends. Don’t accept your child closing the door on these topics
while they expect you to open the door wider to the outside world. Use
the leverage of “if / then” statements, such as “If
we allow you to do…then we expect you to…” Your child’s
responses and follow through will also tell you a great deal about their
maturity level.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting,
PA. His column appears monthly. He has developed a child-friendly self-control/social
skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards. His new book,
The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today’s Society
is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747)
He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450
